To our dear embryos, the ones that didn’t implant after our IVF transfer:
I often find myself pondering the mysteries of life, especially when it comes to the paths that unfold before us. I can’t comprehend why you didn’t choose to stay—why our IVF transfer didn’t result in the beautiful lives I envisioned for you. It’s a heart-wrenching reality that I won’t hear your tiny heartbeats or feel those precious kicks. I don’t understand why you weren’t destined to become my children, why my existing kids won’t get to welcome you as their siblings, or why my parents won’t have the joy of naming you their grandchildren.
I grapple with the burden of infertility, questioning why I can’t experience a “normal” journey to motherhood and why my body seems to resist the very thing my heart longs for. The absence you left in my womb and my heart is profound, creating voids that I wonder if they will ever heal.
Yet, amidst all this uncertainty, I hold onto one undeniable truth: I am grateful for the brief time we shared.
I appreciate the sense of purpose you brought into my life. You made me feel connected to something greater than myself (and I’m not just referencing the hormonal bloating). You instilled in me a sense of responsibility for your well-being, transforming my body from a source of frustration to one of potential. You highlighted life’s fragility and taught me to cherish every moment.
I cherish the 11 days of “pregnancy” you gifted me. Although I never officially carried you to term, for a fleeting moment, I felt like a typical expectant mother. I made choices with your best interests in mind—ordering decaf coffee and hard-boiled eggs at breakfast, avoiding hot baths even when discomfort struck, and practicing prenatal yoga while monitoring my heart rate to keep it steady. I tasted that unique paradox of pregnancy, experiencing something both natural and profoundly extraordinary.
I am thankful for the memories we created. While there’s an emptiness now, I vividly recall the fullness you brought into my life. I remember how you filled me with love, optimism, promise, and possibilities. I remember the warmth of carrying you in my body and heart. I remember you, and that memory will forever remain.
So, even though our paths diverged, and even as I write this letter with tears of sorrow, I hold onto gratitude. This journey has taught me more about love and loss than I ever anticipated.
For anyone navigating similar experiences, know that you’re not alone. For further information about donor insemination, check out this excellent resource from the American Pregnancy Association. And if you’re considering home insemination, reputable options like those at Make a Mom offer convenient kits to help you on your journey. For more insights on similar topics, visit our other blog post linked here.
In summary, while I may never understand why you didn’t stay, I will always cherish the moments we shared.
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