I found myself repacking my hospital bag for the third time, shoving yet another pair of mesh panties into the outside pocket. I was stalling.
While most new mothers eagerly anticipate their discharge from the hospital, excited to return to their familiar surroundings and settle into a new routine, I was not among them. I glanced around the room I had just packed up, taking in my duffle bag, three vibrant bouquets of flowers, a stack of congratulatory cards, and gift bags brimming with adorable newborn outfits. My husband was on his way to take me home, and I sat there staring at the door, filled with dread. I didn’t want to leave.
A nurse arrived to have me sign my baby’s birth certificate. I read my son’s name over and over, finally feeling confident that we had chosen a strong name that he could carry proudly throughout his life. Despite my attempts to engage with the nurse, I couldn’t mask my devastation. She noticed my distress and offered some words of comfort: “The good news is that you’ll probably be all healed up by the time your baby comes home.”
That’s when the tears began to flow. I understood her intentions were good, and she was merely trying to highlight a silver lining in what felt like an unbearably difficult situation. Sure, my physical body would eventually recover from the trauma of childbirth, but my heart wouldn’t heal until my baby was home with me. Until my preemie was discharged from the NICU, I felt utterly broken.
As we exited the labor and delivery ward, I continued to weep. By the time we reached the elevator, I was shaking so much that my husband had to support me. I can’t remember how he managed to get me into the car. As we drove away, I looked back at the stark brick building—my baby’s temporary home for an uncertain amount of time.
“This isn’t right,” I said, a wave of despair washing over me. “He needs me. I can’t leave him.”
“He’s in the best hands,” my husband reassured me gently. “We’ll visit him tonight. Just a few more hours. You need to rest.”
“But what if something happens?” I panicked, as my worst fears played out in my mind like a horror film. Leaving the hospital without my baby was terrifying; I had to entrust my precious child to complete strangers during the times I couldn’t be there. Thankfully, the dedicated doctors and nurses of the NICU proved to be my child’s guardians, and they truly became my lifelines.
Once home, I did my best to stay occupied. I had envisioned my first days as a new mom filled with feedings, diaper changes, and endless cuddles. I never considered coming home to an empty nursery. It felt so unnatural, and my maternal instincts were in overdrive, yearning to nurture an infant.
Fortunately, I lived just a few miles from the hospital, allowing me to visit my son several times a day. Still, there were far too many hours of “downtime” when I was supposed to be resting, eating, or showering. Instead, I pumped breast milk obsessively, determined to provide for my preemie even though he was too tiny to latch. I washed and rewashed doll-sized outfits in Dreft, folding them into neat little squares.
I wandered through the baby aisle at Target in such a fragile state that I found myself crying in the diaper section upon seeing a mother with her bouncing baby in a shopping cart. I likely set a record for the most check-in calls to the NICU. In short, I was doing everything I could to survive this difficult chapter of my life.
So, to any mom facing the challenge of leaving the hospital without her baby, remember this: do whatever it takes to get through. Your little one will be home before you know it. You’ve got this.
If you’re interested in more insights on pregnancy and parenting, check out this post on the NICU experience. For those considering at-home insemination, you can find quality kits at Make A Mom, a reputable online retailer. And for comprehensive information on pregnancy, visit NICHD.
Summary
The emotional journey of leaving the hospital without a newborn is heart-wrenching for many new moms, especially when facing the uncertainty of a NICU stay. It’s important to focus on self-care and find ways to cope during this challenging time.
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