I never envisioned myself as the one to stifle my child’s aspirations. Yet, there I stood in the kitchen, while my son, Jake, cried out that I was “crushing his dreams.”
“Crushing your dreams?” I replied, incredulous.
At just 8 years old, Jake had decided his life goal was to become an NFL player. I gently reminded him how few actually make it to that level, but he insisted that starting practice now was essential. He fell into a heap of tears, lamenting the demise of his dream. I told him his father and I would discuss it. While my mind was racing with a firm “absolutely not,” my heart was conflicted.
This was not the first tough parenting decision I had faced, nor would it be the last, but for some reason, this felt particularly weighty. For one, I understood the arguments on both sides of the play-or-don’t-play-football debate. Additionally, I felt a disconnection from my usual instinctive guidance, which has served me well in past parenting challenges. Experts may present one viewpoint, but personal experience and intuition often shape our choices. Although I’ve deviated from expert advice on issues like breastfeeding and screen time, I found myself lacking the intuitive clarity to decide about youth football or other risky activities. If I ruled out football, would I also ban skateboarding? Or hockey, skiing, or rock climbing?
To be honest, I was at a loss.
Let me clarify: I am acutely aware of the safety hazards associated with football. I’ve delved into research about head injuries, read articles discussing the mental health struggles of former players, and listened to renowned athletes denouncing the sport. My spouse and I took these risks seriously—we always have.
However, I also had to weigh the implications of denying Jake the opportunity to play. I didn’t want to be the “Dream Killer”—which parent aspires to that? Yet, I also didn’t want my son to grow up fearing risks or doubting his dreams. Perhaps it stemmed from my own cautious childhood, but I want my kids to embrace challenges—whether it’s biking without hands, downhill skiing, asking someone to prom, scuba diving, or taking opportunities abroad—not shy away from them due to fear. My goal is to empower them to understand risks, evaluate them against potential gains, and make informed decisions.
My parenting philosophy can best be described as controlled risk-taking. When Jake decided to climb high into the branches of the pine tree in our yard, I paused only to snap a picture before reminding him to be cautious. As much as I dislike the labels we assign to parenting styles, I would say I lean more toward the free-range side than that of a helicopter parent.
That said, every parent draws the line at certain activities deemed unsafe, regardless of our children’s risk management skills. We don’t allow them to run into busy streets, play with fire, or ride bikes without helmets (though I’ll admit, sometimes we do, and it gnaws at me).
So, regardless of where I stood on the issue, I didn’t want to rush into a “yes” or “no” decision without thoughtful reflection and an in-depth discussion with Jake about the risks involved. To me, helping him understand how we arrived at our conclusion was just as crucial—if not more so—than the conclusion itself.
Ultimately, we decided to let him play, with the understanding that we would revisit the issue periodically. We reasoned that he could try it out and likely move on before the stakes became too high. However, just a week before the season began, Jake took a football to the stomach and reconsidered his choice.
“Are you certain?” I asked.
He was resolute. The next day, he quit football and opted for baseball instead.
For the time being, I could remove “Dream Killer” from my parenting resume. Then, just last week, he announced he still wants to be a football player when he grows up.
So perhaps I’ll need to pencil in “Dream Killer” after all.
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In summary, parenting often requires us to navigate complex emotional landscapes. While we strive to encourage our children’s dreams, we must also consider their safety and well-being. It’s a balancing act that may not always yield clear answers, but it’s essential for fostering resilience and informed decision-making.
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