I felt a wave of hesitation wash over me when I read the message: “I’m available next week if you’d like to go out for a bit. I can watch little Mia.” I knew this moment would arrive, but I was far from prepared. The thought of stepping out without my baby was daunting, and admitting that to my friend required a level of courage I wasn’t sure I possessed.
Mia is my third and final child, a decision my partner and I made after much contemplation. With two spirited boys aged 6 and 8 already in our lives, we decided to embrace the joys of infancy one last time. I’ve never regretted that choice. My pregnancy with Mia was filled with happiness, even during those final uncomfortable days before her arrival.
Just a week before her birth, New Jersey experienced an unseasonably warm spell. Each day, I took walks around our neighborhood, attempting to coax labor to start naturally. Yet, deep down, I realized my heart wasn’t in it; I was cherishing the last moments of our time together before I had to share her with the world.
With my first two children, I didn’t think twice about this. I often said my boys were gifts to the world, and they truly are. They light up every room they enter, spreading joy wherever they go. As babies, they would beam at everyone we passed in the supermarket, and I took pride in their ability to make others smile. But with Mia, it feels different. She’s a gift for me, and expressing that to others is a challenge.
In my late 20s, a wise friend once told me that turning 30 came with a newfound freedom—no longer caring about others’ opinions. I eagerly anticipated this transformation, but when my 30th birthday arrived, I found myself still grappling with how to express my needs. Now, as I approach my late 30s, I’m starting to find that confidence. This baby feels like a test of my resolve.
This time around, I truly recognize that the baby stage is fleeting. Just eight days after her birth, Mia’s umbilical cord fell off, and I was overwhelmed with emotion, knowing she was growing up. Those quiet midnight moments when I feed her, inhaling her sweet scent and feeling her tiny fingers wrap around my thumb, are precious. It’s as if she’s trying to hold onto those nine months we spent together. I want this time to stretch on forever. I can’t bear the thought of passing her to someone else for even a moment. Am I being unreasonable?
With my first two children, I was overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood and would have leaped at the chance for a break. I longed for the freedom to go out on my own. But this time, everything feels different, and I wish I could articulate that.
In the end, I bought myself some time and told my friend I’d go out next week, hoping that a week would shift my feelings. I’m not convinced it will.
Perhaps, as I approach 40, I’ll finally muster the courage to let others hold my baby. Until then, I’m cherishing every moment with Mia, and if you’re also navigating this journey, check out this insightful post for more on parenting. If you’re considering at-home insemination, reputable retailers like Make a Mom offer great options. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, Progyny has excellent resources. It’s all about finding what works for you amidst this beautiful chaos of motherhood.
In summary, the baby stage is a unique and fleeting time that many parents cherish deeply. With every milestone, there’s a bittersweet feeling of wanting to hold onto those moments just a little bit longer, especially when it comes to welcoming a new child into the family.
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