This article may not resonate with everyone, but there are mothers out there who need to read these words. For them, I’m finally putting pen to paper.
I have a beautiful, healthy son—a true joy in my life. He embodies everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more. I strive every day to ensure he feels cherished, grounded, and loved beyond measure.
However, I am not transformed simply because I am a mother.
I thought I would be. I believed I should be. Yet, I’m still the same person I was before—someone who married a wonderful partner, held down a job, enjoyed evenings with friends, and cherished my sleep.
In the days following my son’s arrival, I waited. I anticipated the intense wave of love that every other mother seemed to claim to feel. I waited, but it never came. I remained unchanged.
When I doubted myself, well-meaning friends would reach out with texts and emails, asking:
- “Have you ever loved anyone as much in your life?”
- “Doesn’t just looking at him make your heart race?”
- “Do you feel complete now?”
This was the ideal of motherhood I held in my mind—an overwhelming love for a new life that demands everything from you. The feeling of wholeness that should accompany the arrival of a child and the profound knowledge that comes from maternal instincts.
But the truth is, I didn’t feel like that kind of mom.
Truthfully, I already felt complete. I had spent time addressing my own challenges and preparing myself emotionally before embarking on the journey of motherhood. My husband and I worked diligently to conceive, planned a nurturing environment for our son, and I persevered through 38 long weeks of pregnancy. His birth was a relief, but I didn’t experience any significant shift when they placed him in my arms.
In fact, my world didn’t transform; it merely adjusted.
Yet, I continued to wait for the emotions that would affirm my role as a mother. They never came.
I felt like myself, just with added responsibilities. I was still the same person with loose skin and more wrinkles, still a fan of binge-watching my favorite shows. And with that came a sense of shame. Shame that I wasn’t experiencing the emotions that every mother is supposed to have. Shame that my world hadn’t shifted, and that I wasn’t filled with an overwhelming sense of completion. I felt like I was failing at this first task of motherhood.
And the guilt that came with that shame? Unbearable.
Now, 18 months later, with a bit of experience, I can confidently say: I was not failing.
Motherhood encompasses a spectrum of emotions: it’s rocky, painful, exhausting, rewarding, and humbling. The changes within us may be subtle and gradual. While I don’t feel like a different person, the growth is evident if I take a moment to look closely. I’m more affectionate, kinder, and more understanding of the choices made by other mothers. But fundamentally, I am still me—and I take pride in that.
I appreciate my identity as a person, a friend, a partner, and yes, even as a mother. I value that I can show my son that I have passions, aspirations, and achievements outside of being his mom. I refuse to let others’ expectations dictate how I view my emotional experience. For his sake and mine, I’ll embrace this journey as authentically as I can.
If you’re interested in exploring more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource. Meanwhile, for those considering at-home options, visit Make a Mom for reputable insemination kits.
In summary, the emotional landscape of motherhood can be complex and personal. It’s essential to recognize that every journey is unique, and it’s perfectly okay to remain true to yourself while navigating the challenges of parenthood.
Leave a Reply