Hey Ovaries,
It’s Brain here, reaching out to convey an important message from the rest of the body. First off, let me extend a heartfelt thank you. Your invaluable contributions to the continuation of our species have not gone unnoticed. We will always cherish how you played a pivotal role in the arrival of Baby 1.0 and Baby 2.0, boldly announcing, “I need a baby!” Your clarity there was crucial, and yes, we did need those little ones.
Thanks to your enthusiastic prompts, we managed to tackle the baby-making process with a swiftness that would have ensured our survival back in the 1800s, where having a dozen kids was essential for running a farm. However, before you start celebrating and releasing eggs in jubilation, I must inform you that your services are no longer required.
With the birth of Baby 2.0, a formal cessation order will be imposed on any baby-related activities emanating from your corpus luteum. We will not be swayed by your constant reminders of how adorable babies are, nor will we get misty-eyed at the sight of a random newborn at the park.
The Nose concurs that aside from Baby 2.0, there will be no baby sniffing allowed. If, by chance, the delightful aroma of a baby’s head wafts by, immediate measures will be taken to eliminate that scent before it reaches its intended destination.
I must also highlight the toll your excitement has taken on your neighbor, The Uterus. Thanks to your eagerness, she has spent the last 10 weeks in a perpetual state of readiness and is now on edge, having formally requested your eviction from the lower abdomen. This request is currently under review.
Before you attempt to use our current heavily pregnant state as a defense or appeal, know that any arguments will fall on deaf ears—literally! The Ears are partially deaf from the wailing of Baby 1.0, who has transitioned from colicky cries to daily demands for “special milp.” They’ve lodged a complaint against you and are considering eviction if Baby 2.0 proves to be as loud.
We want to ensure you don’t feel unappreciated, but it’s important you understand the gravity of the situation. We are as serious about this as a heart attack—which, by the way, you’ve nearly caused with your random pregnancy scares. Any further scares of that nature will lead us to take further action against you. To be perfectly clear, we are done having babies.
On a brighter note, The Heart remains your biggest fan. If it were up to that sentimental organ, we’d have at least 13 more children and a slew of rescue animals in our future. Fortunately, The Heart lost the coin toss, which allowed me to make the final call to end reproduction. Ding dong.
You will be allowed to continue releasing eggs monthly until you ultimately shrivel into the useless, fleshy remnants you’re destined to become. Additionally, since we can’t pinpoint which one of you is responsible for our offspring, both of you will receive a participation trophy as a token of our gratitude.
Unless we face an apocalypse or need to colonize another planet, you’re not allowed to remind the rest of the body of your desires, nor should you hold it against us that you have nearly 2 million additional eggs ready to go. If you’re worried about storage, consider evolving—perhaps embrace the motto “less is more.”
We appreciate your understanding and cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
The Brain
For more insights, check out this post on Cervical Insemination that dives deeper into the topic. Also, for those looking for at-home insemination options, visit this reputable retailer for an at-home insemination syringe kit. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, look into this valuable guide.
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