What ‘The Real Housewives’ Would Look Like If I Were Cast

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By: Lila Thompson

As I hear whispers about the upcoming debut of The Real Housewives of Seattle, I can’t help but chuckle. Though I’ve stepped back from watching the series in recent years, I might just tune in for a few episodes, particularly to see if any familiar faces pop up. Recently, I happened to catch an episode from The Real Housewives of Potomac, and it only solidified my long-held belief: how can these women truly be labeled as real housewives?

Now, don’t mistake this for criticism—these women are undeniably stunning and entertaining by reality TV standards. But let’s be real; I can’t relate to their glamorous lives. Despite having lived the housewife role for over a decade, I’m certain a camera crew would be disappointed if they rolled up to my doorstep.

Picture their reactions as they uncover the following truths about my life:

• You won’t catch me donning a ball gown for casual outings.
• My rare lunch outings with fellow moms don’t involve any hair-pulling or drink-throwing.
• I’ve never amassed enough extensions to outfit a small village.
• International girls’ trips? Yeah, those are non-existent in my world.

Instead, the cameras would capture me in these scenarios:

• Sporting my favorite worn-out sweats all day long.
• Standing at the sink, scrubbing dishes for hours, often in silence.
• Cooking dinner with smudged handprints on my attire because I’ve never owned an apron.
• My husband and I enjoying one date night per season at a local eatery, followed by a thrilling trip to Walmart—because running errands without the kids feels like a mini-vacation.
• Hot gluing together action figures for at least 12 minutes daily.
• Belt out Coldplay songs in the car, pushing the volume to the max.
• Yelling “Stop screaming!” so dramatically that I risk an eye vessel explosion at least once a week.
• Preparing school lunches, yet again in my trusty sweats.
• Spending hours in front of the computer, trying to earn a living—quietly.
• Shuttling kids to and from school, with Coldplay blasting in the background.
• Endless butt wiping. Seriously, it’s a full-time job.
• Romantic nights spent changing pee-soaked sheets, crafting improvised bedtime stories, and watching Teen Titans Go! with a toddler, all while my husband snores in the background.
• Baking cakes and cookies each day, claiming it’s for the kids, but let’s be honest—it’s mostly for me.
• Starving myself until 5 p.m., then indulging in cake and wine while juggling laundry late into the night.

So there you have it, Bravo. Consider this my formal audition. When you’re ready to bring the “real” back into Real Housewives, I’m more than ready for my close-up. If you want to explore more about the realities of motherhood and other relatable topics, check out this blog post. Additionally, for those considering home insemination, Make A Mom offers excellent at-home insemination syringe kits. And for more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Progyny.

In summary, while I may not fit the mold of a typical housewife featured on reality TV, my life is filled with its own brand of chaos and humor that certainly deserves a spotlight—just in a different way.