When my eldest child was just 18 months old, he suddenly became averse to the meals I prepared. Mealtime turned into a chaotic scene, with him pointing insistently at the snack cabinet. He’d turn his nose up at fruits and vegetables, opting only for meat, cheese, and bread. It was as if I were feeding a little warrior—he could have used a tankard of ale and a side of scurvy! In my desperation, I tried hiding veggies in scrambled eggs and smoothies, chasing him around the house with peas like I was in some bizarre game. Every dinner felt like an impossible rodeo, with my son playfully shaking his head “no” as I missed my aim yet again.
I vented my frustrations to a friend whose 6-year-old daughter was equally choosy. She recounted making three different meals for Ava, yet not a single bite was taken. It felt like a glimpse into a never-ending cycle of mealtime madness. I was already weary from the constant negotiating with my then 2-year-old, coaxing him to take just one more bite in exchange for dessert. I dreaded the thought of facing these struggles with an older child or, heaven forbid, a teenager.
Then, I discovered Ellyn Satter’s groundbreaking book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Care and Good Sense. This book was a game changer for me. Satter, a registered dietitian nutritionist and family therapist, introduces the concept of “division of responsibility” during meals: parents determine when and what to serve, while children decide what and how much to eat. There’s always something familiar on the table that kids will eat, whether it’s rice, bread, or fruit, paired alongside new foods. There’s no pressure to “just taste” anything, and dessert isn’t contingent on how much they consume. Satter emphasizes the importance of family dinners, where kids can observe their parents enjoying a variety of healthy foods.
This approach worked wonders for us! The mealtime drama evaporated like air from a balloon. I serve a meal, and my child can eat what he wants without any commentary from me. He can have seconds if he likes, and over the past two years, he’s learned not to ask for alternatives. Now nearly 5, he still prefers meat and bread, but he has willingly tried more vegetables than I ever anticipated. Surprisingly, he enjoys dishes like lentil stew, zucchini soup, and roasted broccoli. Conversely, he’s not a fan of lasagna—who doesn’t love lasagna?
Sometimes, dinner consists of “kid food” like chicken nuggets or pizza, and other times we indulge in my favorite Pad Thai. Satter notes it’s important for children to understand that everyone enjoys their favorite foods occasionally. Dessert isn’t tied to their meal consumption; we typically have treats in the afternoon but can let him enjoy dessert at dinner, which surprisingly works well.
So, what are the six magic words that changed everything? “You don’t have to eat it.” This new system doesn’t mean he never expresses distaste or claims he won’t eat anything. Recently, he looked at his plate and complained, “I wanted a good dinner,” which made me want to throw a dramatic fit. But in response to his “yuck” or “I don’t want that,” I calmly say, “You don’t have to eat it,” and focus on my own meal.
The real revelation was giving myself permission to stop pressuring him to eat and monitoring what he consumes. As long as my meals are reasonably healthy, I can relax and let him choose to eat or skip dinner without any fuss. I no longer keep a mental tally of what he prefers. It’s also eliminated the short-order cook phenomenon; I now prepare what I want, and if he doesn’t want to try something like squash and sausage casserole, that’s his choice. He can always opt for garlic bread, salad, or apple slices on the side. Meanwhile, I enjoy my meal, and if he eventually decides to try the casserole, great!
This approach has also allowed my son to tune into his own hunger cues. I’ve realized he often doesn’t eat much at dinner, as he’s simply not hungry in the evening. So, I focus on making earlier meals as nutritious as possible without stressing over dinner. Of course, it’s not flawless. Many meals are rather mundane, and we don’t always have family dinners, as my appetite often doesn’t align with the kids’. However, this system has largely proven effective. It prevents us from using food as a reward or punishment, fostering a healthier mindset about food. He doesn’t have to choke down bok choy to earn a dessert, and we’re not forcing him to ignore his body’s signals.
“You don’t have to eat it,” delivered in a calm tone, has dramatically transformed our mealtimes. I also apply it to my younger son, who’s a toddler now. Sometimes he doesn’t touch his dinner either, and I’m tempted to sneak in some spoonfuls while he’s distracted. Yet, I resist. He doesn’t have to eat it. This simple phrase could be the key to ending picky eating struggles for your family as well.
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Summary:
Implementing the phrase “you don’t have to eat it” can revolutionize mealtime dynamics, reduce stress, and allow children to make their own food choices, fostering a healthier relationship with food.
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