When you’re an unmarried parent, it’s astonishing what people feel compelled to say. I’ve lost count of the odd comments I’ve received over the years. Here are just a few:
- “Are you planning to get married?”
- “Why haven’t you tied the knot yet?”
- “You know, if something happens to you, he won’t be able to make decisions for you in the hospital.”
- “If you pass away, he might not even be allowed to arrange your funeral…”
- “Won’t your kids be confused when they find out you and their dad aren’t married?”
- “Legally, you and your partner are considered strangers.”
These remarks have been thrown my way more times than I can count. My partner and I have been together for a decade, and we share two wonderful children. Yet, there seems to be an unshakeable concern from others regarding our unmarried status. It’s as if the absence of a marriage certificate compels people to dispense unsolicited legal advice.
I often wonder how many of these well-meaning folks have ever considered asking, “Why did you get married?” I know couples who appear to be mismatched, have little in common, or hold vastly different values. When someone claims, “If you die, he’s not your next of kin,” I genuinely have no response. I’ve managed to reach my 40s without questioning the choices of married friends—like whether their spouse will honor their wishes regarding end-of-life decisions.
Here’s a little known fact: single individuals can create a will and designate power of attorney. Shocking, right? You don’t need to be married for the law to recognize your ability to assign rights concerning your assets and your children after you’re gone. There are legal documents that address all the concerns people raise, but that’s not the crux of the issue. The real problem lies in the assumption that I’m somehow being irresponsible for choosing not to marry, a presumption that rarely applies to married individuals.
Interestingly, I know several people who have gone through multiple marriages, and they don’t face the same line of questioning that I do. It’s as if a marriage certificate grants an automatic level of respect, despite the fact that nearly half of those unions end in divorce.
As for the idea that our children will be confused about our unmarried status, I have faith in their ability to understand. They’re intelligent kids living in a rapidly changing world. They will grasp that not everyone chooses to marry and that marriage is merely one of many options available.
If someone were to discuss this topic with me, I’d prefer it to be my sister. She’s the one who would take care of my kids if my partner and I were to meet an unfortunate fate. I wouldn’t pry into the legal intricacies of my friends’ marriages, as that’s private. Similarly, what happens within my family in the event of a tragedy is nobody’s business but our own.
For further insights on navigating family dynamics and relationship choices, take a look at this other blog post. And for those considering at-home options for insemination, Make A Mom offers reputable at-home insemination syringe kits that might be helpful. Additionally, Resolve is an excellent resource for understanding various family-building options.
In summary, while the concern from others may be well-intentioned, it’s important to remember that marriage is a personal choice. My family dynamics are ours to navigate, and we’re perfectly capable of making informed decisions without unsolicited advice.
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