In my mid-thirties, after experiencing an unexpected pregnancy that led to a miscarriage, my partner and I made the decision to actively pursue starting a family. It’s amazing how a pregnancy can prompt that crucial “where is this relationship headed?” discussion. We quickly agreed that we envisioned children in our future, and “someday” transformed into “now” after a second miscarriage made us realize that conceiving might take longer than we anticipated.
The anxiety surrounding our potential inability to conceive overshadowed our financial readiness. We began trying for kids without much thought about our lack of stable jobs, employer-sponsored health insurance, or financial security. At the time, I was working as a bartender while my partner was a musician. Despite our situation, we began stashing away a little cash so I could take a break from work when the time came. A few years later, following that first heartbreaking loss, we welcomed a son into the world.
After his birth, I took a brief hiatus from working, but our financial reality soon required me to return to bartending. That’s when I began writing to help bolster our income. My experience as a bartender gave me a knack for storytelling, and I quickly found paying gigs. My partner and I took turns working nights, striving to keep our schedules flexible enough to be present for our child. We became part of the trendy, urban families in our increasingly pricey Brooklyn neighborhood. Although my partner had grown up there and I had lived there for over a decade, after our child was born, we began to question whether we could sustain city living on our modest incomes.
A couple of years later, I found myself sitting on the toilet of our cramped third-floor walk-up, staring at a positive pregnancy test that I never expected to see after all the struggles with the first. We were about to introduce another child into our already precarious financial situation.
On paper, we might appear quite different from the average American parents: a musician earning a living performing at various venues across New York City and a writer selling her words. Our Bohemian lifestyle likely raises eyebrows when it comes to our decision to expand our family, especially given our financial challenges. However, our financial state mirrors that of many Americans who are living paycheck to paycheck. Our experience is far more common than that of the wealthier families in our neighborhood.
Despite our combined income placing us firmly in the “middle class” category according to census data, there’s never really any “extra” money. When I analyze our household income against our monthly expenses, I’m often left in disbelief. We don’t indulge in a lavish lifestyle; we don’t own a house or brand-new cars, and we rarely indulge in anything beyond the essentials. We are simply two working adults with two kids in daycare.
In previous writings on this topic, I’ve encountered the familiar retort, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford.” Was it wrong for us to bring children into a world we couldn’t fully finance? Should financial readiness have deterred us from our instinct to welcome kids?
The notion that people must be financially stable before having children is intriguing, especially when so many Americans aren’t. The middle class is facing unprecedented challenges, with rising costs of what many consider essential for raising children. Census statistics reveal that the median household income in 2012 was no higher than it was 25 years ago, and inflation has not spared child-rearing expenses.
A 2012 Bloomberg report indicated that college costs surged by 1,120 percent over three decades, while healthcare expenses rose by 601 percent, and food costs increased by 244 percent. Childcare expenses have nearly doubled in the past 25 years, climbing from a weekly average of $84 for families with working mothers to $184. Those below the poverty line face even harsher realities, spending approximately four times the percentage of their income on childcare compared to other families—a staggering 30 percent.
Once upon a time, we simply wished for our children to have better lives than we did. But with the cost of living rising and wages stagnating, that dream feels increasingly unattainable. So what’s the solution? Should we declare that only the affluent have the societal green light to raise families? When someone says, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford,” do they realize they’re addressing a significant portion of the population?
Expecting individuals to financially “keep up” in a landscape of stagnant wages and ballooning costs is unrealistic. So is the expectation that people should abandon their dreams of family. I wouldn’t recommend to any couple in our situation that they refrain from having children simply because they can’t “afford” them. We need more families invested in advocating for change. It’s crucial to take a hard look at the current state of the middle class in this country. If a middle-class income can’t cover the basic necessities of parenting, what comes next?
I don’t have a definitive answer, but I do share this advice with friends who feel they can’t afford the family they desire: “Have them anyway.” For further reading, you can check out this insightful blog post here.
Summary
The author reflects on the challenges of starting a family with limited financial resources, highlighting the realities many face in today’s economy. Despite societal pressures to achieve financial stability before parenting, the author encourages those in similar situations to embrace their desire for children.
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