Parenting
By Jessica Taylor
Updated: July 16, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 17, 2015
aslysun / Shutterstock
Just four short years ago, after tucking in my toddler, I dedicated a good 15 minutes to restoring my living room. Each toy had its designated spot, ensuring we could easily find everything the next day. My daughter had a collection of five wooden peg puzzles—every evening, she would scatter them all over the floor, and every night, I would painstakingly return each piece—letters, numbers, animals, shapes—back to their rightful places.
My rationale was straightforward: if the toys weren’t put away, how would we ever locate them? How could she learn her letters if the alphabet was a chaotic mess? I also had strong beliefs about her diet—everything had to be organic!—and her sleep schedule: a solid twelve hours plus a couple of naps, each at least 40 minutes long. I was a tad neurotic, perhaps.
But my primary goal in life was to be a great mother. I took that responsibility very seriously, convinced that these rules were teaching my daughter valuable lessons for success.
Oh, how much can change in just four years.
Now, I understand that my nightly ritual of organizing toys was less about creating order for my daughter and more about exerting control over a life that felt overwhelmingly chaotic. What I couldn’t admit back then, even to myself, was how profoundly unhappy I was in my marriage. Two years have passed since I chose to file for divorce, and it’s been nine months since it was finalized.
Initially, after serving the divorce papers, my ex-husband and I had to coexist under the same roof for over a month—there were no other options until our first court appearance. He refused to leave, and I had nowhere to go. Living together felt like being trapped in an adult haunted house, where every turn brought a jolt of anxiety. The sound of his car pulling into the driveway made me tremble.
During this time, he would blast Aloe Blacc’s anthem, “The Man,” on repeat from the basement, where he chose to stay while I remained upstairs. The lyrics exuded arrogance: “Girl, you can tell everybody, yeah, you can tell everybody, go ahead and tell everybody, I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man.” He would play it at full volume, dancing with our children while I tried to drown it out.
One evening, he remarked, “You dropped a nuclear bomb, and now it’s war.” And indeed, it has been a battle ever since.
I tried to compromise right from the start, sending heartfelt texts urging us to cooperate for the sake of our children. Yet those pleas fell on deaf ears—ears filled with anger and resentment. In mediation, I offered so much that my attorney advised me against it, stating it was too much to concede. But I was desperate to move on. Unfortunately, the more I gave, the more my ex-husband demanded. After nine grueling hours, we left with no agreement, heading straight to trial.
The trial spanned four days in the cold, rainy December, with an agonizing eight-week wait for the verdict. My ex’s legal strategy aimed to avoid child support, leaving me in financial jeopardy. Luckily, that plan backfired, and I have faced the consequences ever since.
Despite clear court orders, he often denies me communication with our children while they’re with him, which is half the time. We even have a court-appointed parenting coach to oversee our exchanges, as he refuses to communicate without insults. He won’t even make eye contact with me in person. Two years later, our situation remains fraught with conflict.
Recently, while playing a game with friends, we asked the kids to describe their parents using just one word. My daughter called me a “writer.” When my friend prompted her to describe her father, she bluntly said, “Hates Mommy the most!” Not quite the one-word response I anticipated, but it struck a chord.
Four years on, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to piece together my daughter’s small world again.
A quote I often hear resonates deeply with me, and it’s undeniably true: being a good mother now means letting go of rigid rules about bedtimes and organic meals. It’s about rising above the chaos and the conflict.
I’ve immersed myself in spiritual teachings, meditation, and yoga, striving to cultivate faith and trust. These practices have undeniably helped me, but my heart wrestles with the reality that the other half of my children’s parenting structure has positioned himself as my adversary. The man with whom I shared a life for 13 years—the one who witnessed the birth of our children—now seems to take silent pleasure in my struggles as a mother.
This situation has challenged everything I once believed about humanity, parenting, and life itself. There are no easy answers anymore. Even signing my daughter up for gymnastics requires a monumental effort of negotiation.
Yet, I persevere. I’d do it all again if needed, striving to provide my children with a safe haven, free from oppression, where everyone is respected and heard—where vulnerability isn’t weaponized.
Parenting, marriage, and life are never straightforward, even under the best circumstances. Co-parenting with a narcissist is an extraordinary challenge that has demanded more strength than I ever knew I had. It has compelled me to confront my ego, deflate my pride, and relinquish my need for control. I now understand that was the real battle all along.
So, rather than focusing on putting the puzzles back together, I focus on gathering myself. If I stumble, I resolve to try again. If the day goes well, I express gratitude. And then I do it all over again the next day. Because in doing so, I learn where to find the essential things—faith, hope, gratitude, forgiveness, and love—those are the true markers of a good mother.
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Summary:
This article delves into the challenges of co-parenting with an adversary after divorce, illustrating the emotional turmoil and resilience required to navigate such a complex situation. The author reflects on her past attempts at maintaining control through structured parenting, ultimately realizing that true motherhood involves letting go and focusing on essential values like faith and love.
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