Yesterday unfolded like any typical day. I rose, showered, prepared myself, and went to wake the kids. My partner followed suit, walking the dogs before we loaded the little ones into the car and dropped them off at school (okay, daycare). We both worked throughout the day, picked the kids up, and returned home.
Upon arriving, my partner took our toddler to see the puppies, who was clearly demanding attention with a chorus of “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!” Meanwhile, I took off the baby’s jacket, hung up mine, and put my shoes away (trust me, this detail matters). After changing clothes, I began clearing clutter from the kitchen table. Once done, the baby and I migrated to the living room.
That’s when it happened. My partner and toddler returned from the basement, and he removed the toddler’s jacket and shoes, placing them on the kitchen table. He then headed to the cupboard for a snack (yes, a snack for him, not the child). That’s when I asked, “Can you help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
Right there, a lightbulb went off. It was clear as day. I wasn’t asking for help; I was asking my partner to be an adult. I said it aloud: “Can you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s simply putting your child’s things away.” He didn’t reply, but surprisingly, he did it.
From that moment on, I vowed never to frame my requests as “helping me out” again—unless it’s for a genuine favor, like exterminating a monstrous bug that’s invaded our space.
Here’s why I’ve made this change:
It Undermines His Worth
My partner is an adult, a fully capable human being. He should not be seen as my assistant or someone who needs explicit direction to be valuable. If something needs his attention, I can simply mention it. It’s not about me; it’s about maintaining our busy household. When he asks me to fetch a bottle for the baby, he never frames it as a request for him. I’m not his helper, and he isn’t mine.
It Shifts Responsibility
I don’t alone bear the burden of keeping our home tidy or ensuring our children are well-fed and cared for. It’s not just my job. By using phrases like “help me out,” I inadvertently take on the entire responsibility. There are plenty of things I’d love to own, like a fancy yacht or a luxury car—but 100% responsibility for our household isn’t one of them. I want to share that equally.
It Sets a Poor Example for Our Kids
I don’t want my boys to grow up thinking that simply putting the toilet seat down is a favor to their partners. I want them to understand the importance of contributing equally, taking pride in their role as true partners. It’s about sharing the load and finding joy in the process.
It Undermines Our Partnership
My partner is my equal. While we may not approach tasks in the same way, our goal is mutual: to foster a happy, healthy family (minus the splotches of pureed green beans and chicken nugget casualties). I refuse to boss him around or let him think his role is merely to assist me. He is a father and my equal partner—and yes, also the bug exterminator.
So, the next time he leaves clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days, instead of asking him to “help me out” by folding it so I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll just tell him to move his stuff out of my way.
For more insights on navigating partnerships and responsibilities in parenting, check out our post on how to balance household duties. And if you’re interested in exploring at-home insemination options, consider visiting Make a Mom for reliable insemination kits. Understanding fertility and family planning can also be enhanced by resources like this Wikipedia page on in vitro fertilization.
In summary, I’ve realized that asking my partner for help diminishes both of our roles in our family. By shifting my language and approach, I can foster a more equitable partnership where both of us contribute equally to our household responsibilities.
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