A friend of mine once shared a vivid recollection of being rushed into an emergency room on a stretcher. He had just attempted to take his own life and came perilously close to succeeding. He remembers the bright lights overhead, the flurry of voices and hands surrounding him, and the moment someone removed his clothing. Even in that state of despair and near-unconsciousness, he felt an overwhelming wave of humiliation wash over him. That, dear friends, is the essence of shame.
Recently, I took a weekend trip with my kids. During breakfast at our hotel, a stranger shot a glare at my lively little ones, rolled her eyes, and exclaimed loudly, “Oh my God. Will you please control your children?” That, my friends, is not shame.
In recent years, experts like Brené Brown have elevated discussions around shame and vulnerability in our society. Dr. Brown has empowered countless individuals (myself included) to lead richer and more fulfilling lives. Shame is a genuine struggle, and discussing it is crucial. Unfortunately, we’ve reduced the term to a punchline.
After that incident at the hotel, I could have easily claimed I was a victim of mom-shaming. I could have crafted lengthy rants about intolerant individuals and how their negativity complicates motherhood. In that moment, I could have told her to stop criticizing my kids for simply being kids. It would have aligned with today’s take on the term. But that would have been misleading.
The woman at the breakfast bar did not shame me. Sure, she embarrassed me, but I did not feel shame. Instead, her rudeness served as a reminder that we are part of a diverse society, often interacting with others whose values clash with our own. In that moment, my children were not meeting the high expectations she had for her peaceful breakfast (I mean, really, lady?). Conversely, her eye-rolling and harsh remarks contradicted my values around treating strangers with courtesy. We were experiencing a clash of values; my worth was not on trial—I merely faced the discomfort of dealing with an impolite individual.
Contrast that with my friend’s experience on the stretcher. When his body was exposed for all to see, he was engulfed in a profound, life-altering shame. When you feel a sense of humiliation even while incapacitated, it signals that your very identity is at stake, and it’s time to confront the burdens of shame you carry (thankfully, he did so in the weeks that followed).
Shame is indeed real. It can hinder and even ruin lives. So, let’s stop labeling every disagreement as “shaming.” If someone shoots you a disapproving look or criticizes you, more often than not, you’re encountering a clash of values, leaving you feeling either embarrassed or angry. You might wish to disappear rather than face the situation, much like I did with my spirited kids that morning. But when the dust settles, you will move on with your day. That’s not shame; it’s called life.
To learn more about the nuances of shame and parenting, check out this insightful post on our blog. If you’re considering at-home insemination options, Make a Mom offers a range of reputable kits to support your journey. Additionally, Rmany is an excellent resource for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, let’s redefine our understanding of shame and recognize that many conflicts arise from differing values rather than true shame. We can navigate these moments without labeling them as such, fostering a more compassionate conversation around motherhood and beyond.
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