Our marriage ended long ago, a fact both of us were aware of, yet the echoes of his Irish Catholic upbringing loomed large. In his family, the mantra was to endure together no matter how dire the circumstances—staying together, even when communication faltered. My upbringing was different; my mom divorced my dad when I was in middle school. It was a shocking revelation, but looking back, it was also unsurprising. I had an aunt who experienced three divorces and an uncle who tied the knot seven times before finding stability. From them, I learned that sometimes, it takes multiple attempts to find the right fit, while for others, like my mom, one was enough. She chose never to remarry or share her life with anyone else.
When my ex and I finally sorted out our lives enough to establish separate households and begin the legal separation, his anger was palpable. He felt betrayed that I had entered into marriage without an exit strategy. Yet, I believe most people don’t enter marriage with the intention of leaving. However, when you see the negative impact on your child—watching them absorb lessons about mistreatment—it becomes clear that the cycle must end. It’s no longer about you; it’s about the future relationships your child will form. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that marriage is a form of purgatory.
The journey was challenging, but not as tumultuous as it could have been. After 11 years, we focused on taking only what we initially brought into our relationship. Then there was our amazing son, a little boy who initially viewed the separation as an adventure, not realizing that one home would be an apartment, lacking the yard and space he was used to. We chose not to delve into the reasons for our split with him, sticking to the narrative that we believed this was the best path for our family. And I trust that one day, he will come to understand.
I make a conscious effort to refrain from speaking negatively about my ex, both to our son and in public forums. The challenges I face with him are mine to navigate and are only shared with a select few close friends when I need to vent. Co-parenting is undoubtedly a struggle, especially with the logistics of shared responsibilities, from school reports to splitting costs for prescriptions and field trips. Decisions can’t be made unilaterally; we need to communicate and agree first, which is perfectly fine.
Once we realized our interactions would revolve around our child, we both settled into this new normal. The central focus is our son—the boy who represents so much hope and love in our lives. I had him through in-vitro fertilization after a three-year journey of trying to conceive. I often joke that it was the best $15,000 I ever spent, but the truth is, he is our miracle—a vibrant, curious child who reflects the best of both of us and also stands out as his own person.
Because of our son, we collaborate effectively. Each day brings new opportunities to enhance his life. We don’t speak ill of one another in his presence, respect each other’s privacy, and keep each other updated without oversharing. There are moments of friendship that shimmer through the challenges, like when we discuss current events or shows that we both enjoy. Yet, we must tread carefully; too much sharing can lead to overstepping boundaries, and we work diligently to maintain that balance.
In court, the judge praised us for our composure and the amicable way we reached a fair agreement focused on our child’s best interests. After the proceedings, I found myself breaking down in tears, overwhelmed by the sadness of it all—and he comforted me, reminding me that everything would be alright. I appreciated that we could still share such a vulnerable moment, grounded in the deep care we once had for each other. He later admitted it would take him some time to process everything, and eventually, he was okay too.
Our son—the knobby knees, sandy brown hair, furrowed brow, boundless energy, and infectious laugh—is all that truly matters. We once shared a meaningful connection, and although that has transformed, the love that brought him into existence motivates us to work through our differences. We strive daily to find common ground, seeking fairness and flexibility for the sake of our child. He remains the greatest gift we could have given to one another, and for that, we hold no regrets.
In conclusion, maintaining a respectful friendship with my ex is less about us and more about our incredible child. The journey may be complex, but with mutual respect and focus on our son’s well-being, we are committed to doing right by him.
For more insights and stories about parenting and relationships, you can visit this blog post and check out renowned resources like Healthline for IVF or Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kits.
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