It’s evident in the way she calls my name and the expression she wears as she walks into the room. My daughter is looking to talk about something that I feel utterly helpless to address.
Long before my children arrived, I crafted a parenting philosophy aimed at showering them with love while also establishing boundaries to show that I truly care. I envisioned nurturing their bodies and minds, all while allowing room for fun and laughter. The ideal was a balanced diet of veggies and a sprinkle of treats.
As the villains in Scooby-Doo famously lamented, “My plan would have worked, too, if it weren’t for those pesky kids!” And for about 15 years, it did work seamlessly. For that stretch of time, I remain eternally thankful—a sentiment I’ll express during Thanksgiving dinner this year.
The common stereotype of teenagers suggests that my daughter should see me as an outdated figure, losing touch with reality. However, unlike many of her peers, my oldest genuinely believes I possess all the answers.
The challenge lies in her dilemmas. As a mother who isn’t particularly girly, I find myself navigating the complexities of adolescent issues. Her struggles mirror my own at her age, and I can’t help but feel I didn’t handle them well. Time and a change of scenery played a significant role in overcoming those hurdles. If I were to relive those years, I doubt I would fare any better, even with the wisdom I’ve gained. Thus, my advice often boils down to “just wait it out.”
I know this isn’t ideal, but children absorb lessons from our actions rather than our words. How can I instill confidence in her when I often feel uncertain myself? How can I offer guidance on friendships when I’ve been let down by many of my own?
In her younger years, her tears were typically tied to simple and solvable issues. Now, they revolve around feelings and relationships, which I find challenging to navigate. Emotional turmoil isn’t my forte; I’d rather watch a heartwarming movie starring Tom Hanks. I’ve never been one to coddle, and now I’m faced with a shy, high-achieving daughter who gives her all, even at the risk of being hurt. I try to comfort her with gentle hugs, but my instincts lean more towards pragmatic acceptance of life’s challenges.
So, where does that leave us?
It puts me in a position of wanting to selectively advise. I would love to guide her on career paths or effective memorization techniques, but I hesitate to dive into topics of romance and friendships. A voice in my head—the ideal mother I aspire to be—cries out, “Shame!” Meanwhile, another whispers, “You don’t know what you’re doing; offering advice could do more harm than good.”
Conventional wisdom suggests that I should refrain from advising and instead be a supportive listener while she navigates her own path. But I’ve tried that too. This kid is relentless in her quest for answers, pushing me until I hit my breaking point. I feel it approaching, and I warn her, yet she often intensifies her emotional expressions at that moment. She’s seeking a solution, even if it means I have to fabricate one.
It’s frustrating because I genuinely want to help, but I struggle with the emotional side of things. Some individuals are more pragmatic than emotional; that’s just who I am.
If my daughter were to stop confiding in me, it would send me into a spiral of worry. I’d question whether she didn’t need me anymore, if she was in real trouble, or—worst of all—if she simply despised me. This fear keeps my fantasy of her no longer seeking my advice a distant dream.
A parent who doesn’t put forth effort, even if it feels futile, is no better than one who avoids setting limits or discipline for the sake of being liked.
For now, I’ll continue to encourage her to seek her own solutions through trial and error while attempting to keep my thoughts on sensitive matters to myself, despite her persistent inquiries.
I now understand why grandmothers find such joy in their grandchildren. If the day comes when I can mend everything with a kiss and a hug again, I’ll cherish it. I might even treat her to a cookie.
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Summary
Navigating the complexities of parenting a teenage daughter is a challenging journey, especially when it comes to providing guidance on emotional issues. While I strive to support her, my practical nature often clashes with her need for emotional understanding. Ultimately, I aim to encourage her independence while grappling with my own feelings of inadequacy as a mother.
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