Last week, I caught up with an old acquaintance, Lisa, and was taken aback when she revealed she had filed for divorce. After two decades of marriage, she felt it was time to move on. When I probed for the reasons behind her decision, she shared that as their children grew older, she and her husband had drifted apart. They had become like strangers, pursuing different dreams and aspirations. For Lisa, this meant embarking on a new journey to rediscover herself—something she felt she’d sacrificed during the tumultuous years of parenting.
In her situation, the romantic connection had faded amid the chaos of everyday life. With careers to manage and children to raise, there was little opportunity for intimacy. Their kids had initially held them together, but as they gained independence, the fabric of their marriage unraveled, leaving little to salvage.
Driving home that night, I felt a deep sense of empathy for Lisa and thought about the countless marriages I’ve witnessed disintegrate over the years—relationships I once believed would endure. How does a couple transition from a happy partnership to exchanging harsh words until their bond is irreparably damaged? What leads them to end a union after investing decades into it?
I pondered what keeps a marriage strong and why my own relationship has weathered numerous storms. There have been challenging times when it felt like we were barely treading water, but counseling helped us navigate those turbulent waters when frustration and disappointment threatened to pull us under. During those rough patches, we consistently found our way back to each other, to the core of our love.
The Secret to Our Marriage
So, what is the secret that has sustained our marriage through the years? It’s hope. Hope is the thread that weaves us together. This shared optimism has seen us through some of our toughest moments. Five years into our marriage, we faced the unimaginable loss of our twin son shortly after birth. Rather than allowing grief to drive us apart, we drew closer, supporting one another as we navigated our sorrow—unlike many couples in our support group who ended up separated.
Similarly, when my partner lost his job, we faced uncertainty with four young children at home. It would have been easy to harbor resentment, but I recognized he needed my support more than ever. Together, we sought assistance and held onto hope that a new opportunity would arise—and eventually, it did.
Navigating the challenging teenage years also tested us. We often found ourselves at odds over parenting styles—my husband tended to be stricter while I leaned toward leniency. This discord led to many disagreements, but we learned to find common ground and compromise, rather than circling each other like wary animals.
Throughout our journey, we’ve also faced my struggle with clinical depression. My husband has become adept at recognizing when I’m slipping into darkness. He provides me with the space to process my feelings, yet is always there to help lift my spirits when the storm passes. It’s like being on a roller coaster—he never knows when the next dip will come, but he holds on tight, ensuring we navigate the highs and lows together.
Our commitment to facing challenges side by side, sharing both struggles and triumphs, has made us each other’s greatest allies. We’ve invested in our partnership, and neither of us has considered giving up. Our decision to stay together goes beyond just the kids; it’s about aligning our goals as a couple and understanding that we are equal partners in this journey. We’re on the same team, cheering for our love and honoring the vows we exchanged long ago.
Essential Elements of a Strong Marriage
Essential elements like appreciation, communication, kindness, trust, and forgiveness have been vital to our marriage, along with a healthy dose of humor. The little gestures make a significant impact—a sweet note left on the fridge, flowers from our garden on the nightstand, or the ability to finish each other’s thoughts. It’s the spontaneous kisses, shared ice cream bowls late at night, silly dances to elicit laughter, and cozying up on the couch for a movie on a rainy Sunday. It’s about being best friends, making each other smile, and accepting one another’s quirks. It’s about giving selflessly and reminding each other daily that love is present.
While I can’t fully comprehend what Lisa is going through, her reasons for her marital decision are her own, and that’s what matters. I can, however, extend my support whenever she needs it. And every day, I strive to show my husband that I’m a better person because of his unwavering love.
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In summary, a thriving marriage requires hope, commitment, and a strong foundation of mutual respect and friendship. By nurturing your bond and supporting each other through challenges, you can create a lasting partnership.
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