I’ve always been a fan of engaging conversations. Whether sharing laughs or exchanging understanding glances, I thrive on social interactions. That was until I became a parent. The number of utterly perplexing, puzzling discussions I’ve had with my eldest child (the little one is still finding his words) must be well into the hundreds. Below, I present 10 completely nonsensical debates I’ve had with my 5-year-old.
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Is Today Sunday?
Every Sunday, my child receives his allowance, which he divides between savings and spending—currently aimed at a $3 squishy pumpkin toy wearing a witch’s hat. (I suspect the toy designers may have been indulging in some creativity, thinking, “Kids love quirky stuff!”) He frequently asks me what day it is, and though I usually have a firm grip on the calendar, any day that’s not Sunday leads him to argue that it is Sunday. His determination can sometimes leave me questioning my own sanity. Maybe it is Sunday, I ponder, as I scan for other parents on our walk to school. -
Is It Morning Yet?
More than once, I’ve found myself crouched over his bed in the dark, whispering, “It’s still nighttime! Go back to sleep!” while a resolute child insists he can see “glimmers of light” and pleads for cereal. -
Is Anyone Touching Him?
In the car, his little brother is sound asleep, only making contact with a pool of drool. “No one is touching you,” I shout for the nth time, exasperated. -
Is A Shirt Really Necessary?
On a chilly 34-degree day, my son is ready to leave the house in just shorts. After countless reminders about the temperature, I finally relent and let him step outside half-dressed to learn the hard way. -
How Much Toilet Paper Is Enough?
I suggest “a small handful,” but my son interprets that as the whole roll—unwadded, just a long stream of paper that he waves near his backside. -
What Does “Washing Your Hands” Mean?
Does it involve simply dipping his fingers in water for a moment? Or is it an excuse for a water fight until the sink overflows? These are the pressing issues we face. -
What’s His Brother’s Name?
To be fair, this was a debate from a few years ago when we had just welcomed his sibling. I told him the name we chose, but he adamantly insisted it was “Allie.” I started to wonder if fate was pushing us to reconsider the name. -
What Constitutes “Quiet Time”?
Does it involve belting out songs? How quiet is “quiet”? Does it mean bouncing off the furniture? I never expected to find myself mediating the nuances of “thumping.” -
How Urgent Is Urgent?
I’ve swerved off the highway at breakneck speed, only to find my child casually exploring the hand dryer while I’m left to remind him that he claimed it was an emergency. -
What Counts As A Bite?
“Just try a bite of this casserole or broccoli,” I would say. Instead, he would lift a forkful to his lips and declare, “That’s a bite!” I often found myself explaining the definition of “bite” as if I were in a surreal political debate. Eventually, I would concede, saying, “Just wave the broccoli near your mouth—it’s totally good enough.”
Perhaps as they grow older, we may return to more coherent conversations, but friends with teenagers warn me that the debates will simply evolve into curfew arguments. I can already envision myself debating a 4 a.m. curfew as “not reasonable.” “There are glimmers of light!” I’ll exclaim while preparing a bowl of cereal.
If you’re curious about other parenting musings, check out this post for more engaging stories. And for those considering at-home insemination, here’s a link to a trustworthy retailer of at-home insemination kits. Additionally, this resource provides excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, parenting often leads to the most ridiculous conversations, filled with confusion and humor. As my child grows, I can only hope for more logical exchanges—but judging by my friends’ experiences, it seems the debates will merely change topic.
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