Memory can be a peculiar thing. My earliest recollection is a hazy image of my mother, pregnant with my little sister, trying to explain how the miracle of life would unfold. It feels like a fleeting glimpse—akin to opening your eyes beneath the surface of water. I was just 3 years old at the time. The first vivid memory that follows is Annie’s arrival home from the hospital. I can’t quite recall her appearance or the sensation of cradling her in my arms, but I distinctly remember my outfit—a blue plaid dress with train buttons—and the thrill of being the first to hold her before the neighborhood kids arrived.
Oh, my sweet baby, you’re so new and so much smaller than my three-year-old self, and the thought that you won’t remember these early days is a strange one. I’ll carry these moments with me like a tattoo, etched in my heart for eternity. The instant bond we felt when we met, the seamless connection we share, and the beautiful yet sometimes challenging dependency we experience during feedings are memories I treasure.
Now that you’re 4 months old, you’re evolving into your own unique person every single day. However, among all the delightful firsts we’ve shared, there have also been some bittersweet lasts. This realization fills me with a slight unease—not because I’m not eager to witness your growth, but because I fear some of my most cherished moments may fade from memory. How will I ever recount them to you?
I think of how, from almost the moment you entered the world, you would make a little “oh” sound after a series of sneezes, and later, after each one individually. We rushed to capture it on video, but somehow never quite caught it in time. It reminds me of an old song from my teen years, sung in the shower while I was pregnant: “Every time she sneezes, I believe it’s love.”
Then there were those magical moments when you would melt into the bath with your dad, like a long-awaited reunion. The way you smiled at me while I fed you—often losing your latch, but neither of us caring. I’ll never forget that time you handled a sudden letdown by squeezing my breast and drinking from your fist instead. Or the countless times you flashed me the middle finger during feedings, a cheeky little gesture I can’t help but laugh about.
You fit perfectly in that cradle—the same one that cradled your dad and uncles decades ago. We spent countless nights pacing the floor (and sometimes collapsing on it) before finally bringing you into our bed. Your sleeping face—two perfect crescent moons framed by lashes—and the seashell imprint of your ear on my skin after you drifted off in my arms are moments I hold dear.
I remember the day you finally embraced diaper changes; all it took was a spirited rendition of Billy Joel’s “The Longest Time.” Now, you grin at me in anticipation of the song every time I place you on the changing table. Your expression transformed when you first spotted your favorite toy, and that was the moment we discovered your dimples! You would excitedly chat with my painting of your dad and the cat whenever we passed by it, even if you had just been crying. It was a joy to see you finally connect with something outside of our little world.
You feel every sensation and emotion with such intensity, expressing them so freely and openly. The way you clasp your hands near your face when excitement strikes, the way you beam at strangers, and how your face lights up each morning when you see our faces—these are the things that fill my heart. I feel both exhilaration and trepidation as I realize how strong you’re becoming, and I can’t help but worry about the day you won’t need me to hold you anymore.
These moments, these fleeting days, weeks, and months don’t fit neatly into the usual baby books. They’re not mere milestones, numbers, or checkmarks in a column. One day, when we’re both a bit older, these are the memories I want to cherish and share with you.
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In summary, the early days of your life are filled with precious moments that may not fit traditional definitions of milestones, yet they hold immeasurable value in our hearts. I aim to capture them so that we can revisit these beautiful memories together in the future.
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