The 10 Commandments of Southern Parenting

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Ah, the charm of a Southern upbringing! From mastering the art of colorful banter during backyard football games to digging for our own fishing bait, we Southerners know how to embrace life. But as much as we love our laid-back lifestyle, we also scrub up nicely for church on Sundays. If you’ve ever had a dog named after a legendary football coach or savored venison sausage, you likely hail from below the Mason-Dixon line. And as a proud Southern parent, you’ll want to follow these 10 Commandments of Southern Parenting.

1. Thou Shalt Monogram
   Those initials better look good on that diaper bag! As a Southern parent, monogramming everything that doesn’t move is a way of life. Just remember, the last name goes in the middle! You wouldn’t want your little one caught with a crimson and white “DOG” bag now, would you?
2. Thou Shalt Pick Your Own Switch
   Nothing strikes fear into a child like making them choose their own punishment. Whether it’s asking them to select a wooden spoon or determining which privilege will be revoked, letting them pick their own switch is as Southern as it gets.
3. Thou Shalt Make Casseroles for Any Occasion
   If you don’t have a signature poppy seed chicken casserole or a cherished Jell-O mold recipe, it’s time to call your mama. Bringing store-bought lasagna to a neighbor’s housewarming? That’s just not Southern hospitality. Remember, you can’t find true Southern hospitality in the freezer aisle.
4. Thou Shalt Not Waste (Waste Not, Want Not)
   Never toss out that bacon grease! There’s a second (and third) use for everything under the sun. You’ll likely find yourself decked out in hand-me-down clothes, no matter how outdated they may be. And if you’ve ever taken your leftovers to work in a Cool Whip container, well, bless your heart!
5. Thou Shalt Dress Thy Child in Patent Leather Shoes
   You know the shiny black ones for Sunday school or the classic navy sandals for toddlers? Absolutely essential! Don’t forget seersucker with bowties for Easter. Seriously, if you don’t make the effort, you might as well be joining Sherman on his march.
6. Thou Shalt Use ‘Ma’am,’ ‘Sir,’ ‘Miss,’ and ‘Mister’
   The first time a friend’s mother asked me to drop the “Miss” in front of her name, I nearly choked! It doesn’t matter if it seems outdated; we Southerners will uphold this tradition, and our kids will too.
7. Thou Shalt Bless… Everything
   Bless the food, bless his soul, and don’t forget to bless her heart. It sets a wonderful example for Southern children to hear their mothers express gratitude. After all, if you’re from the South, you know you are blessed.
8. Thou Shalt Teach Thy Child Football Loyalty
   By the time your child is two, they should know the fight song, war chant, or at least the mascot’s name. If they aren’t singing your team’s praises yet, you might be failing as a Southern parent!
9. Thou Shalt Honor Thy Parents and Any Random Adult
   A good Southern child learns to respect their elders, including that random lady at the park who’s telling them not to run up the slide. It doesn’t matter if there’s no blood relation; if an adult says something, your child better listen. Because nothing is scarier than, “Don’t make me tell your daddy when he comes home!”
10. Thou Shalt Become Thy Mother
    If you’ve ever said, “I brought you into this world…” or “You better quit crying before I…” then you’re on the right path. If you’ve even scraped leftovers into a Tupperware because “there are starving kids in Africa,” congratulations, you’ve arrived. And while the thought of becoming your mother might send shivers down your spine, remember—she did a lot right. After all, she raised you!

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In summary, Southern parenting is all about tradition, respect, and a whole lot of love. Embrace these commandments, and you’ll raise kids who are proud of their Southern roots.