The noise and chaos had escalated beyond control, dragging on for what felt like an eternity. I considered searching online for phrases that no parent ever wants to face. I thought to myself, “It will get better.” But instead, it only deteriorated. So, I took my phone and retreated to a quiet corner of the orchard, hiding among the thorny branches where no one could witness my despair. There, I typed in “child psychiatric hospitals,” tears streaming down my cheeks.
What would happen if I made that call? I knew that my life would be forever altered; there would be no returning to the past. What kind of parents make such a decision? Who sends their child away to a mental health facility? What kind of children find themselves in such places? Were they anything like my daughter—intelligent, kind, and beautiful—yet struggling with parts of her mind that simply didn’t function as they should?
I pictured the moment I would drop my daughter off. Her cries would pierce through my heart, filled with betrayal and an unspoken loathing. “What kind of mom would abandon her child in a place like this?” she would scream at me, her eyes filled with pain.
The guilt would hit me like a bolt of lightning striking a massive redwood in a storm. This is a story about a mother and father navigating a broken system where mental health care for children is scarce and often unattainable. There are child psychiatrists, but their schedules are packed, and many don’t accept insurance, forcing families to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket for essential care.
The system is failing us. In moments of crisis, parents often feel isolated and desperate. The weight of failure, disappointment, and heartbreak is overwhelming.
I find myself wishing my daughter had a physical ailment instead. A broken bone would be easier to fix; we could visit the doctor, get a cast, and witness her recovery. Friends would sign her cast with encouraging messages like “Feel better soon!” and those words would hold true. In six weeks, her arm would be back to normal.
But with mental illness, healing isn’t so straightforward. The complex biochemical processes and malfunctioning neural pathways can’t simply be treated with an ointment. Therapy and medication are part of the solution, yet they require patience and time to determine what will work.
Perhaps I didn’t do enough as a mom to aid her healing. Maybe my efforts fell short, or perhaps I was too involved.
With a deep breath, I dial the number. After the first ring, a man named Tom answers. “Psychiatric unit,” he states. I provide him with the information he needs, struggling to keep my composure. Tom seems empathetic, straightforward, and knowledgeable. As I respond to his questions, a lump forms in my throat, threatening to choke me.
“Has she ever expressed thoughts of wanting to harm herself?” he asks. At that moment, the dam breaks. Tears flood my face as I find my voice faltering.
Tom reassures me to take my time. He acknowledges how challenging it is to discuss such sensitive topics and patiently waits until I’m ready. I finally manage to tell him that she has voiced desires to not be alive, feeling unwanted.
Tears continue to stream down my cheeks as I gasp for breath. I’ve never shared this with anyone before, holding onto the hope that if I don’t say the words, they won’t have to exist.
Tom informs me that there are beds available that night. He needs to call me back to complete a release form, promising to reach out shortly.
When he calls back an hour later, I can’t bring myself to answer. I know my daughter needs help, and I will devote my time to finding the right mental health professional who will accept her and our insurance. I will cry myself to sleep, holding onto the hope that things will improve one day. I will continue advocating for her happiness for as long as it takes because I am her mother, and she is worth every bit of this fight.
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Summary
This heartfelt narrative reflects the struggles of a mother confronting the daunting reality of her child’s mental health challenges. It sheds light on the inadequacies of the mental health system and the emotional toll on families. The story emphasizes the importance of perseverance and advocacy for those we love, even in the darkest moments.
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