10 Unspoken Realities of Military Spouses

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When I married my partner, we celebrated with a grand sword arch, his dress whites gleaming, and I was swept away in the romance of it all. We danced under the stars, lost in the moment. In those early days, everything seemed perfect—polished uniforms, beautiful gowns, and heartfelt gestures. However, after seven years of this lifestyle, my perspective has transformed. Here’s what I’ve discovered about being a military spouse.

1. We’re Constantly Pushed to Our Limits. A wise friend once shared with me that military wives often wear a mask of composure during challenging times. We may seem to juggle everything effortlessly at tough duty stations, but the truth is, we’re often at our breaking point. With our partners away for extended periods, we bear the weight of parenting alone and must always have answers ready, which can be incredibly overwhelming.
2. Sometimes, We Just Need Space. This isn’t meant to sound harsh. We genuinely enjoy being there for friends, but during deployments or particularly stressful assignments, we often can’t take on more. When life feels chaotic (refer to point 1), the last thing we need is added pressure to plan activities or trips that might create more stress. If we can join in on events, we’ll reach out. It’s not personal, it’s just how it is.
3. Fatigue is Our Constant Companion. The night-time wake-ups, the endless chores, and the daily demands of parenting leave us utterly drained. We admire single parents for their incredible resilience—it’s a tough job!
4. We Rely on Our Coping Mechanisms. To navigate the chaos, we establish systems that help maintain some semblance of control. These routines are crucial for our sanity and for keeping our children grounded. Deviating from these systems can lead to significant fallout, which we then have to manage.
5. We Help Our Kids Cope with Absence. One moment, everything is going smoothly, and the next, our children are reminded of the void left by their absent parent. Whether it’s a sudden outburst or tears, we often find ourselves at a loss for words, as we can’t predict when their parent will return. We try to make it easier with countdowns or small tokens, but it’s a stark reminder of what’s missing.
6. Real Friendship Matters. We crave genuine connections with friends who truly care. It’s not enough to exchange pleasantries; we need someone who will take the time to ask how we’re really doing. Acknowledgment of the struggles we face in this lifestyle is essential, even if we knew what we signed up for.
7. Our Partners Miss Significant Moments. The term “home” can be misleading. It might mean they’re physically present but still working long hours or traveling. So, we find ourselves taking on the role of both parents at events and during bedtime routines, even when our spouses aren’t deployed.
8. The Military Has a Strong Influence on Our Lives. While we might have some say in our assignments, the reality is that our living situation can change every few years, often without our input. We plan around deployments, only to have those plans altered unexpectedly. I’ve heard stories of couples who had to elope due to last-minute changes in orders.
9. Our Marriages Face Unique Challenges. The strain of distance, stress, and the complexities of military life can take a toll on our relationships. While there are moments of romance—like balls and homecomings—they don’t accurately represent our daily lives. The reality is that it can be tough to nurture our marriages amidst everything else.
10. It’s Harder Than We Imagined, but Most of Us Wouldn’t Change a Thing. There are undeniably beautiful moments in this life. Watching a ship return from deployment or witnessing a change of command ceremony can be heartwarming experiences. Our children grow up to be strong, compassionate, and capable individuals, which often leaves us wondering where they got those qualities.

In summary, the life of a military spouse is filled with challenges and sacrifices, yet it can also be incredibly rewarding. There’s a unique bond formed through shared experiences that many will never understand. We navigate the ups and downs, and in the end, we wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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