My son engages in self-harm. My beautiful, gentle, loving, 7-year-old son struggles with self-harming behaviors, and it shatters my heart.
The phrase “self-harm” alongside “7-year-old son” is something I never imagined I would utter. Typically, self-harm is associated with older, troubled teens who hide their pain. Yet, for my son, Leo, this reality is painfully visible. Anyone nearby when he experiences these moments is acutely aware of it.
This is part of Leo’s journey—one that intertwines with the overwhelming sensory experiences he faces due to his autism. Leo was diagnosed with autism at just 18 months old. My understanding of the condition back then was limited; I knew little beyond the basics gleaned from older films like Rain Man. Fast forward to today, and autism is a constant presence in my thoughts.
Leo began exhibiting self-harming behaviors around age 2. One moment, he was joyful, and the next, he would drop to his knees, crying uncontrollably. He would bounce on his knees, clearly distressed. At the time, we found these episodes concerning but were uncertain of their meaning—especially since Leo is nonverbal and unable to articulate his feelings.
As time passed, the nature of his meltdowns intensified. We learned to distinguish between tantrums, which are somewhat controllable and typically arise from wanting something, and meltdowns, which stem from sensory overload and leave the individual feeling lost and frightened. Identifying triggers for Leo’s meltdowns proved challenging, as there seemed to be no consistent pattern.
Initially, his behaviors escalated from knee bouncing to foot stomping and jumping from furniture onto his knees. Eventually, he began using his hands, first slapping his limbs until they were raw, then moving on to hitting walls or other objects. The moment he turned his focus to slapping his own face, everything felt worse. Watching your child inflict pain on themselves is heartbreaking and utterly perplexing.
Try it yourself: slap your face repeatedly for just a few seconds. It’s hard to maintain that level of aggression, yet Leo seems to lack that inherent restraint. Tears flow down his cheeks, but he doesn’t stop. He alternates between striking his face and punching the side of his head.
Two years ago, these episodes reached an overwhelming intensity. For several months, he experienced meltdowns lasting up to eight hours daily, at any hour—even waking in the night to hit himself. It’s as though there are two distinct sides to him: the sweet, loving boy and the anguished individual in turmoil. When the storm subsides, the joy returns, and he continues with his day as if nothing happened.
We’ve tried numerous strategies to help him. We altered his diet and sought medical evaluations, attempting to identify any underlying issues. We explored various distractions—favorite foods, TV shows, and activities. Occupational therapy, massage, and supplements were all part of our efforts. I even experimented with ignoring him during meltdowns (which is more challenging than it sounds) and creating a safe space for him to express himself.
In the early days, the only thing that calmed Leo during a meltdown was driving around while playing music. I’d scoop him up off the floor, place him in the car, and drive for hours, sometimes even at 2 a.m. My desperation to ease his pain was immense.
I’ve felt anger, desperation, and helplessness. I’ve shouted, cried, begged, and even tried to reason with him during those tumultuous moments. Nothing felt worse than wishing he would just hit me instead. At least that way, he wouldn’t be hurting himself.
Over the past year, there has been some improvement. His meltdowns now typically occur three or four times a day, and on good days, they last only a few minutes. On more challenging days, they can stretch to an hour. I love Leo more than words can express, and I wholeheartedly accept that autism is part of his identity. He is a nonverbal, beautiful, gentle boy, whose smile brightens my world.
I’ve learned to manage his self-harming behaviors more effectively. I remain calmer during episodes and strive to identify and eliminate the stressors contributing to his meltdowns. Even when he experiences a lengthy meltdown, I know it will pass, and he will be okay.
However, if I’m honest, each time it happens, it still breaks my heart a little more.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of autism and self-harm presents a unique set of challenges for families. While the journey can be heartbreaking, understanding, acceptance, and support can pave the way for healing and growth.
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