Potty training in our household has been nothing short of a chaotic spectacle. While my husband and I remain calm, the true storm of emotions comes from our tiny 2-year-old ruler. A specific and rather whimsical set of conditions must be fulfilled before she even considers sitting on the potty. After careful observation and some light-hearted analysis, here are the 20 requirements that need to be met for my toddler to even think about using the potty:
- Mercury must be in retrograde, while Jupiter needs to be ascending, and let’s not forget, a bad moon should definitely be on the rise.
- The bathroom’s aroma must evoke the essence of a spring meadow—not through synthetic air fresheners, but rather with a rotating assortment of fresh organic herbs, meticulously gathered and tied with a delicate strand of periwinkle velvet ribbon.
- The lighting in the bathroom must not exceed a total wattage of 120.
- The temperature should hover between 72.5 and a precise 72.7 degrees at all times. Showers should be avoided, as the resulting steam could disrupt the perfect climate.
- Somewhere within a thousand-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be undergoing shearing.
- It’s essential to maintain a calm demeanor and avoid eye contact while making trivial requests such as “please don’t pee on my arm” or “Whoa! Don’t touch that. It’s a pube.”
- One must accurately guess whether the chosen throne will be the training potty or the full-sized one. There exists a 50/50 chance, and no clues will be provided beforehand. Selecting the wrong option guarantees an immediate refusal and a bowel movement within 17 seconds.
- The skies must be clear of commercial airplanes, seagulls, and crows. However, pigeons and vintage pre-World War II aircraft are acceptable.
- No one should be wearing socks.
- An audience consisting of at least four stuffed animals and one attentive cat must remain still throughout the entire process.
- Potty usage can only be considered on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month ending in “Y.” Any other days are off-limits—unless it’s raining, which only allows for potty use on Thursdays.
- A deer and an antelope should be frolicking somewhere in the vicinity, with a buffalo meandering nearby.
- The local library must be closed.
- Organic bananas should be on sale at Whole Foods during this critical time.
- One-third of the doors in the house must be ajar.
- The kitchen rug must be slightly askew, positioned in a counter-clockwise manner.
- The phone should not ring for 15 minutes before or after any potty attempts. Texting or browsing social media is also strictly prohibited.
- A parent must urgently need to use the bathroom at the same time.
- A family member must be simultaneously discovering an unsightly chin hair.
- A double rainbow must be gracefully arching over a pod of albino dolphins guiding an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.
In conclusion, potty training can often feel like navigating an intricate maze of absurd requirements. It’s a wild journey filled with challenges and unexpected twists. If you’re also on this adventure, be sure to check out our other blog post for more tips and insights. You might find valuable resources like Make a Mom for at-home insemination kits, or explore Kindbody for additional guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.
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