Parenting has become the focal point of my existence. It’s a constant journey that I live and breathe daily, and recently, it has led me to seek therapy. Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I’ve found myself reflecting on my own upbringing and grappling with the differences between my parents’ parenting style and my own. This journey has illuminated some unresolved issues from my childhood that I never fully addressed.
It’s not unusual for parenting styles to differ significantly across generations. This gap can lead to feelings of isolation among parents—what many refer to as “mom loneliness”—not to mention the ever-present phenomenon of mommy guilt. My parents, who were just 18 and 19 when they had my brother and me, were not prepared for the challenges of parenthood. While they did their best to provide for us, they were still in the process of growing up themselves, grappling with their own childhood traumas. My father faced the challenges of being an immigrant with a violent father, while my mother dealt with the scars of rising in poverty with an alcoholic mother.
Only a week after my daughter was born, I found myself reflecting on the sacrifices my parents made. However, I also recognized that these sacrifices often came wrapped in resentment—resentment towards each other and towards us. This dynamic manifested in my father’s infidelities and aggression, as well as my mother’s passive-aggressive behavior. They often claimed to have worked hard to give us a better life, but the emotional fallout from their struggles was undeniable.
The more I contemplated my childhood, the more protective I became of my daughter, leading to serious trust issues. I found myself isolating from friends and hesitant to leave my child with babysitters, driven by a need to do everything “right.” But what did “right” even mean? My understanding was shaped by instincts, online advice, and parenting books, leaving me feeling more confused than ever.
Visiting my parents with my daughter often highlighted their outdated parenting style. When my father questioned my daughter’s intelligence, saying, “What if she isn’t smart?” I was taken aback. My mother, attempting humor, held my four-month-old high and jokingly told her to tell me to “shut up.” Such moments underscored the lack of respect we experienced as children, which, in turn, contributed to the issues we faced as adults.
After graduating from college, I moved across the country to seek employment and gain experience. Ironically, I ended up working at a nonprofit focused on anti-violence, where I learned about the impacts of relationship violence and childhood trauma. I also faced my own struggles with anxiety, while my brother dealt with addiction. Helping others navigate similar paths helped me build self-esteem and understand healthy relationships. However, when my daughter was born and I was home alone while my partner worked long hours, my unresolved feelings began to surface.
With too much time to think, I found myself angry about my childhood experiences and realized I’d been distracting myself by overworking. When I returned to work, the trauma of my past was triggered by the very individuals I was trying to help. Balancing motherhood and work became untenable, ultimately leading to my layoff—a necessary step in my healing process.
As one of the first in my friend group to become a parent, I kept my inner struggles hidden, fearing I would burden them. My daughter’s erratic sleeping schedule added to my anxiety, and I felt increasingly isolated, struggling with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Seeking help from a therapist became essential for untangling my past and rebuilding my confidence.
A therapist once shared that she hadn’t realized the vital role her female friendships would play in her journey of motherhood until she became a mom herself. I began to connect with other mothers and found solace in sharing our experiences. We are all navigating the complexities of parenting, whether it’s dealing with absent partners, health issues, or post-partum challenges.
Most parents strive to create a better future for their children. My parents worked tirelessly to avoid poverty, just as my grandparents immigrated to escape war and famine. While I don’t resent my parents for their choices, I understand the importance of healing my own wounds. I want to ensure my daughter doesn’t face the same struggles I did.
Parenthood is a journey filled with overwhelming love and inevitable mistakes. I know I will falter, but my goal is to ensure my child feels loved and respected. I hope she grows up feeling safe and capable of forming connections so that when she faces struggles, she can approach them with self-compassion and support from others—even if it’s frustration towards me about my parenting choices.
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Summary
Parenthood has profoundly impacted my life, prompting me to seek therapy as I navigate the complexities of my upbringing and my daughter’s upbringing. Understanding the differences in parenting styles between generations has led me to confront my past and strive for a healthier, more loving environment for my child. I aim to ensure she feels respected and valued, learning from my experiences to foster her growth and resilience.
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