There are days when I truly question my ability to be a mother. Three years ago, my partner left, not just me, but our children too, forcing me into the role of a single mom. However, even before that upheaval, I was grappling with the concept of motherhood.
Growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive home, raised by a mother who perhaps was ill-equipped to care for me, I now find myself at 32, feeling lost in my parenting journey. The lessons I inherited were far from nurturing; instead, I carry the scars of a past that make me doubt my ability to raise my children in a loving environment. While I’ve matured physically, the emotional weight of my childhood lingers, and the fear of repeating the cycle of abuse is ever-present.
The only thing I’m certain of is that I will not inflict harm on my kids. The cycle ends with me. Even if I stumble in other aspects of motherhood, I know I can protect them from the pain I endured. Yet, when it comes to the nuances of parenting, each new stage in their lives feels like I’m navigating uncharted waters. I often find myself overwhelmed by situations I never experienced or had to face myself.
Some days, I feel like I have it together, but then there are days—like today—when the uncertainty weighs heavily on me. I want my children to grow up feeling valued, confident, and capable. I wish for them the kind of life where they can thrive and make meaningful contributions to the world. Yet, I struggle with the very principles I wish to impart.
There were countless mistakes along my path, and I fought hard to rise out of despair. Now, I’m left with the daunting task of teaching my children how to thrive when I’m still figuring it out myself. Can I truly be the parent they need when I never had that guidance myself?
Today, I feel that familiar sense of inadequacy. Though I love my children deeply, the weight of single motherhood—especially with the added complexities of raising special needs kids—can be overwhelming. I work tirelessly, juggling multiple jobs with weeks that stretch beyond 70 hours, leaving my home in disarray. I feel shame when I send my child to school unprepared or when I must choose between work and a doctor’s appointment for my son.
I’m emotionally drained and utterly alone in this struggle. I watch my kids grieve for a father who chose to leave, and it breaks my heart that I can’t provide the stability they need. They ask questions I can’t answer; I feel like I’m sinking under the weight of responsibility.
Despite everything, I love my children more than I ever thought possible, and that love drives me to keep trying to be better. I may not be perfect, but my commitment to them is unwavering. It’s crucial to remember that even on the hardest days, my love is a powerful force.
If you’re feeling similarly overwhelmed, remember you’re not alone. For more insights on navigating motherhood, check out our other blog posts, like this one here. And if you’re looking for resources on home insemination, IVF Babble offers valuable information, while Make A Mom provides quality at-home insemination kits to support your journey.
In summary, each day as a single mother brings its own set of challenges and uncertainty. Yet, through love and perseverance, I strive to be the mom my children deserve, no matter how tough it gets.
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