I have a close friend who is navigating the challenges of being a single mother. Her daily routine resembles a carefully orchestrated military operation: she wakes up, feeds the baby while the toddler is glued to a cartoon, prepares breakfast, dresses both children, packs lunches, gets herself ready for work while the kids are entertained by yet another show, drops one child off at daycare and the other at preschool, catches the subway, rushes into the office, then at the end of the day, she picks up the kids, stops for groceries, oversees dinner, gives baths, pumps while the older child is fixated on a third episode, and finally puts him to sleep with a story or two. After that, she cleans up the kitchen, washes the lunch boxes, responds to work emails, and collapses into bed for what is often a brief night of sleep.
Despite this grueling schedule, she rarely voices her frustrations. However, during one school pickup, she mentioned wishing the kids could watch less TV. Another mom chimed in with, “Can’t you just put out some crayons or arts and crafts? That’ll keep him busy for a bit.” My friend sighed, explaining that while she could indeed set out the crayons, she knows the TV will keep them occupied for 10 to 20 minutes, while the crayons would lose their interest in mere seconds—and then there’s the mess to clean up.
Similarly, another friend, who also juggles a demanding job and frequently opts for pre-packaged dinners, publicly expressed her desire to prepare home-cooked meals. Someone in our circle suggested, “Can’t you just meal-prep on the weekends and reheat during the week?” My friend shook her head, highlighting that weekends were already packed with errands, chores, and childcare.
These conversations, while not meant to be confrontational, can still leave mothers feeling somewhat diminished. The underlying message can sometimes seem to be that if only they were more organized, their children would enjoy gourmet meals and stimulating play instead of passively watching TV.
Even with a flexible work schedule, I struggle to find time for cooking, exercising, hobbies, cleaning, and spending quality moments with my kids. Often, many of these tasks, if not all, fall by the wayside. I appreciate life hacks, like quick cleaning tips or recipes that yield multiple meals, but they don’t address the reality that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. It might be more compassionate to acknowledge that some issues can’t be neatly solved—like opting for McDonald’s takeout or allowing an extra hour of screen time.
I remember when my second son was just six weeks old, and a college buddy invited us to a park in Manhattan, a subway ride away from our home in Brooklyn. We decided not to go because I couldn’t fathom the logistics of getting both kids there. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and bring a travel stroller?” While technically possible, at that moment I was overwhelmed. The thought of packing a backpack, holding my 3-year-old’s hand, and managing the baby’s feeding and nap schedule was simply too much. I felt guilty for not making the trip happen for my son, but some days, you just can’t “just” do anything.
This phrase may seem trivial, yet it can add to the stress that mothers already bear. It implies that we should be able to manage everything seamlessly. The truth is, sometimes we can’t cook from scratch or squeeze in a workout, and there are days when lying facedown in a pint of ice cream feels like the only option.
Let’s agree to retire this phrase from our mom vocabulary. It’s not my responsibility to solve my friends’ challenges, especially when they already know the solutions (yes, everyone is aware of weekend meal-prepping). Instead, my role as a friend should be to say, “Hey, Stouffer’s is actually really good,” or “We binge-watched 19 hours of TV, and we turned out just fine.” While it’s tempting to offer solutions, sometimes the best support is simply letting someone know they’re doing an incredible job.
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In summary, it’s time we stop suggesting that mothers simply “can’t you just…” and instead focus on supporting one another through the beautiful chaos of parenting.
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