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About two weeks ago, my car broke down. I managed to get it to a repair shop, spoke with the mechanic, and followed up on the status. I handled every step of the process, just as I always do. As a young widow raising two kids alone, I have no choice but to take care of everything myself.
When the mechanic called to quote me for the repairs, I was taken aback. The issue was more serious than I had anticipated, and the cost was higher. I told him I would call back after considering my options. He replied, “Great, check with your partner and let me know.”
I hung up, made my decision, and returned his call. The truth is—I don’t have a partner. More accurately, I don’t have a living partner to “consult.” My husband passed away three years ago. For three years, I’ve navigated life as a solo parent, homeowner, and car owner. In that time, I’ve lost track of how many times men have assumed I have someone at home who will make decisions or handle the heavy lifting.
Throughout these years, I never spoke up. I didn’t correct the salesperson who sold me a trampoline. During our discussion about safety concerns regarding my slightly sloped lawn, he brushed off my worries, assuming my husband would handle leveling it. I simply smiled and didn’t correct him.
I also remained silent when a flooring store employee suggested I wait for my partner to help load heavy boxes of tile into my car. I smiled again and loaded them myself when he wasn’t watching.
Initially, I didn’t speak up because of my grief. In those moments, their assumptions made me feel as though my husband was still here, even if just for a fleeting second. Their words offered a kind of comfort. But now, my grief has transformed. Those assumptions no longer feel like a lifeline but rather an insult to my ability to make decisions and manage things on my own. Yet, I still remained silent.
After hanging up with the mechanic, I recognized my hesitation to speak up stemmed from not wanting to make him uncomfortable with his assumption. That’s not a valid reason to stay quiet.
I should have voiced my truth because remaining silent for the sake of someone else’s comfort betrays my own experiences and achievements. By allowing their assumptions to persist, I diminish my accomplishments as a solo parent and widow, effectively choosing invisibility.
Moreover, my children hear these assumptions directed at me. After our encounter with the trampoline salesman, my daughter commented on his “partner” remark, questioning who would level the lawn. I reassured her that I would take care of it, but I missed a vital opportunity to teach her about her own capabilities. She should have seen me correct the salesman, reinforcing that a woman can handle anything without needing a partner.
It’s 2021, and it’s time to stop assuming everyone fits into a traditional, gender-normative relationship. It’s crucial to break the mold that confines women to specific roles, implying they need someone else to take care of the heavy lifting.
However, I also recognize that there are times I choose not to speak up. Sometimes, when a stranger assumes my partner will step in, I lean into that assumption for a sense of safety. It’s not a foolproof shield, but it provides a layer of comfort in certain situations.
Regardless, I wish I had corrected those misunderstandings in the past. I need to take action to challenge these assumptions—one comment at a time. By speaking up, I hope to pave the way for future solo parents, allowing them to exist confidently without their capabilities being questioned. If I assert myself, my daughter will grow up knowing she doesn’t need a partner to prove her worth or ability.
I regret not speaking up before, but I refuse to remain silent any longer.
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In summary, I’ve realized the importance of asserting my identity as a capable individual. It’s time to challenge assumptions about gender roles and advocate for myself and other single parents.