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I often found myself questioning whether I had been adopted. It was hard to believe I could be related to any of my family members, as I felt so different, and the way I was treated reinforced that feeling. I never felt welcome or like I belonged. The thought of not being related to them made sense; I felt like an outsider, which led me to believe I might actually be one.
Though I knew I wasn’t adopted, my biological family never felt like my “true” family. During particularly challenging times in my childhood, I clung to the hope that my real family would eventually come to rescue me. At that young age, I lacked the words to express that what I truly longed for was love and a sense of belonging.
I endured years of abuse from my family. Every adult relative was unkind, and those who didn’t actively participate in the mistreatment stood by and did nothing. Sometimes, their indifference hurt even more than the abuse itself. To cope, I began to normalize this toxic behavior. It wasn’t a conscious choice but a survival mechanism. The persistent feeling of injustice, coupled with gaslighting, took a toll on my mental health, leaving me to accept the abuse as my reality. I eventually came to see this dysfunction as normal simply because I had no other frame of reference.
As I entered my twenties, I started to recognize just how much I had come to accept abnormal situations as standard. Then, I met a man named Alex, who would later become my husband. He introduced me to his family, who were so loving and supportive that I initially found them hard to believe. When I visited, they treated me kindly. No one ridiculed my looks, and there were no fights. Despite my expectations of something going wrong, nothing ever did.
At first, I was uncertain about how to feel regarding Alex’s family. I liked them and enjoyed how they made me feel, but this was a double-edged sword. It forced me to confront my own family’s dysfunction and acknowledge that what I had experienced was not normal. Healthy children don’t spend their formative years wishing for a real family, and healthy adults shouldn’t panic when encountering kindness from their partner’s family.
When Alex proposed, I was terrified of his family’s reaction. They had done nothing to warrant my fear, but my upbringing had conditioned me to expect judgment when making decisions about my own life. His mother was genuinely thrilled and sent him a message praising my intelligence and sensitivity. It struck me then that I wasn’t accustomed to maternal figures speaking kindly about me without reservations or future retractions. His mother’s words were sincere, and the rest of his family shared in their happiness for us.
There was no judgment, no cruelty—only unconditional acceptance. Was this what a real family felt like?
The aftermath of abuse is complex; the trauma doesn’t just vanish when the mistreatment stops. Conditions like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can arise long after the traumatic events have ended. While I don’t have PTSD, I carry the scars from my past. Although the abuse had ceased when I met Alex’s family, the end of that trauma gave me the space to reflect on what I’d endured. During my abuse, my focus had been solely on survival. Now, with that chapter closed, I began to process my experiences.
Over time, I learned to relax around Alex’s family, slowly recognizing them as my “true” family. They unknowingly aided my healing journey by providing the kindness, stability, consistency, and unconditional acceptance that I had been denied for so long. For those who have always had access to such love, it may not seem like a special gift, but for me, these acts of compassion are invaluable, and I will forever cherish them.
At last, the childhood dream of finding my real family has come true.
If you’re interested in more personal stories, check out this related blog post here. Additionally, learn more about home insemination and the resources available for starting your journey at Make a Mom, a reputable authority on this subject. For excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit this helpful resource here.
Here are some other topics you might find interesting:
- Coping with family trauma
- Finding supportive relationships
- Understanding emotional abuse
- Healing from childhood wounds
- Creating your own family dynamics
In summary, I broke away from my toxic family to find the true family I had always longed for. Through the kindness and acceptance of my husband’s family, I began to heal from the scars of my past and finally realized what a loving family could be.