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A few weeks ago, my twelve-year-old daughter, Lily, collapsed. After a visit to the pediatrician, who conducted some routine tests, we were relieved to hear that everything seemed fine. We returned home, trying to resume our normal routine.
But then it happened again. This time, I caught her as she fainted. Back at the pediatrician’s office, the doctor ordered more extensive tests, including a comprehensive blood panel and assessments of her cognitive and motor skills. She ultimately referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. While Lily went home to rest, I returned home in tears.
My anxiety stemmed not only from my concern for Lily but also from the haunting familiarity of those tests. Years earlier, I had watched my husband undergo similar procedures. I had seen him pass those tests with relative ease, only to later witness his decline as his cancer progressed. I had caught him when he fell, too.
Once I found the courage to speak, I reached out to a friend. I shared the ordeal and confessed that in that moment, watching my daughter face the same evaluations as my husband, I felt paralyzed by fear. For a brief instant, I doubted my ability to endure whatever news the doctor had in store. Although I knew Lily’s situation was different, the fear of the unknown loomed large. I expressed my fear of crumbling under the pressure of another medical crisis involving my child.
My well-intentioned friend reassured me that everything would be alright, claiming that the universe wouldn’t give me more than I could bear. While I understood her desire to comfort me, I felt dismissed. Instead of solace, her words made me feel as though my fears had been invalidated.
There are significant issues with the notion that the universe—or God—only presents challenges we can manage. This phrase is akin to the often-used “everything happens for a reason,” which I believe should be avoided at all costs.
Primarily, such statements are dismissive. They imply that the struggles one faces are lesser than they truly are, suggesting that if something is difficult, it must not be meant for them to endure. This mentality sends a message that a person’s fears and concerns are unfounded. During tough times when someone needs to be heard, this phrase minimizes their experience.
Moreover, the belief that the universe is fair and only gives what we can handle requires a level of trust that many may not possess. I’ve learned that the universe can be chaotic and indifferent, often overwhelming individuals with challenges that feel insurmountable. Countless people face hardships that exceed their coping abilities—financially, emotionally, and physically.
Additionally, the idea that the universe won’t burden us beyond our limits can carry an underlying privilege. Those who have managed to cope with life’s trials often have resources—financial, emotional, and social—that others lack. It’s easier to handle difficulties when you have support systems and access to healthcare.
The truth is that we can sometimes be given more than we can bear. Pretending otherwise can be harmful. It doesn’t allow for the recognition that failure is a part of life. The universe doesn’t guarantee a happy ending; acknowledging that reality is essential.
When comforting a friend, there are far better responses than invoking the universe. The simplest approach is to be present. Listen, acknowledge their struggles, and affirm that sometimes life does hand us more than we can manage. Let them know they are not alone and that it’s okay not to have everything figured out. Offer your support without judgment, assuring them you will stand by them, regardless of the outcome.
As for my daughter, we are still searching for answers regarding her fainting spells, but for now, they seem to have subsided. I realized that I could manage this medical scare—not because the universe ordained it, but because I had doctors who listened and friends who stood by me.
For more on related topics, check out this article on cultural representation and explore more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, including this kit from Make A Mom.