As your children grow more independent, you find yourself with newfound time and an impressive wealth of knowledge and experience. With a solid work ethic and reliable transportation, friends and family encourage you to jump back into the working world, convinced you have much to contribute to today’s corporate scene. You craft an eye-catching resume, invest in a stylish beige pantsuit from your favorite store, and secure your first job interview in years.
The only hiccup? Deep down, you’re not sure you want to return to the workforce after two decades of nonstop parenting. You dream of finishing—or even just starting—that novel you’ve been mulling over. You long for the luxury of enjoying cookies on a plate instead of over the bathroom sink. You’re okay with being labeled “that mom”—the one who chooses comfort over ambition, the one who reminisces about missed career opportunities.
You want a graceful exit—a way to sabotage the interview without appearing unmotivated. Follow these 19 strategies, and you’re guaranteed to leave a lasting impression that ensures you won’t get the job:
- Assume the interviewer will be a young man in his late 20s, because that’s the norm, right? Let him know that you’d struggle to take orders from a woman.
- When he asks if you would like something to drink, surprise him with, “Yes, an iced cappuccino, please!”
- Call your interviewer “Sir,” leaving him to ponder whether you’re being sincere or sarcastic.
- Use outdated terms like typewriter, word processor, xerox, and film—nothing says “I’m out of touch” like this!
- When asked about your strengths and weaknesses, answer with just one word: lasagna.
- Make it clear that while you’re a PTA mom, you’re not the one who spent time on Ashley Madison—then give a knowing wink.
- Present a lengthy list of dates you’ll need off for your lifelong dream of following the band Phish on tour.
- Ask if he wants to buy pizza kits to support your son’s baseball team fundraiser.
- Mention that while you don’t know a foreign language, you can master several foreign accents.
- List “hosting a candle party” as relevant sales experience.
- Insist that you would accept a company car, but only if it’s not a beat-up ride that would tarnish your image.
- Boast about earning your bachelorette’s degree from a highly credited institution.
- Politely demand that the vending machines offer an assortment of gluten-free snacks for your intolerance.
- Create whimsical job titles for your resume, like CEO: Cooks Entirely Organic-ish or CPA: Car-Pools Anonymous.
- Agree to a pre-hire drug test, then nervously bite your nails throughout the process.
- Drop something under the desk and don’t make any effort to retrieve it. When he leans down to grab it, pop your head in and say, “Fancy meeting you here!”
- Wink at your interviewer as often as possible without seeming overly twitchy.
- If he brings up the dress code, burst into tears.
- Finally, agree to the company’s strict social media policy, then send him a friend request from the parking lot.
If they’re still desperate enough to offer you the job after all that, you can always fake a pregnancy!
For more interesting insights, check out our post on Cervical Insemination. And if you’re looking for at-home insemination kits, consider visiting Make A Mom for reliable options. For further information on fertility and pregnancy, Medical News Today is an excellent resource.
In summary, navigating a job interview can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can ensure an unforgettable (and unsuccessful) experience.
Leave a Reply