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Pride Month is bursting with vibrant colors—rainbow flags, clothing, accessories, and more. While the celebration is visible everywhere, my home feels like a different world. As a queer woman still in the closet, the visibility of Pride brings mixed emotions. It highlights the gap between who I aspire to be and my current reality, leaving me feeling stifled and ashamed instead of loud and proud.
Growing Up Different
Growing up, I sensed my difference. I wasn’t like my peers; I didn’t feel passionate about intimacy or romance in the same way they did. Shows that celebrated typical relationships, like “Friends” or “Dawson’s Creek,” didn’t resonate with me. Although I had boyfriends and entertained the idea of romance, I found the attraction to boys incredibly limited. In fact, the number of boys I found appealing could fit on one hand. Eventually, I fell in love with one of them, and we got married and built a family with two kids.
The Incompleteness
Yet, despite this seemingly perfect life, I felt a deep sense of incompleteness. It wasn’t until last June that I finally voiced my feelings to my husband, saying, “I think I’m gay.” Now I identify as queer, but my journey remains largely hidden. Only a few people know—my husband, my therapist, a psychiatrist, and a handful of trusted friends. Living in this silence is a constant struggle.
Longing for Acceptance
I long to embrace my sexuality and my true self. I want to announce to the world that I am here and queer, and I wish to celebrate with others in places like the West Village, passing historic landmarks such as the Stonewall Inn. The desire to wear rainbow gear and be recognized for who I am is overwhelming. I want to belong to a community that feels safe, yet I often find myself in the shadows, voicing support for the LGBTQ community from a distance. The feeling of being an outsider is painful. I often grapple with feelings of anger, shame, and worthlessness, which have led to darker moments in my life. However, I remind myself that there is no right timeline for coming out and that silence does not erase my identity.
Even if I’m not “loud and proud,” I am still queer.
Changing My Narrative
This Pride Month, I choose to alter my narrative. I’ll smile shyly when I see a rainbow flag, recognizing that the LGBTQ community is my family, even if I’m not out to everyone. I will accept and love myself as I am. I don’t need grand gestures to honor the woman I am or the fierce queer I’ve always been. I will silence the negative voices in my head and remind myself of my progress. While I may not have come out to my family or marched in parades, I have come out to myself, and that’s a significant victory. Acknowledging my truth is a crucial step in my journey.
Resources for Others
For those exploring similar paths, you can find valuable insights in this other blog post from Home Insemination. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out Cryobaby At-Home Insemination Kit, an authority on the subject. Additionally, for more information on fertility options, Healthline is an excellent resource.