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The first thing I discovered about the teenage years is that they unfold in unpredictable bursts. It’s like a faucet dripping slowly—just a bit at a time. I could sense the changes on the horizon, but the transformation was gradual. Then, suddenly, there would be a flood of changes, followed by a return to a trickle. A voice that squeaks. A seemingly endless appetite. Yet another new pair of pants. Then, everything would settle into a mundane routine—picky eating, the same favorite clothes. Until things escalated.
Before I knew it, two years of these fits and spurts had passed. My son had developed a new way of moving. Almost overnight, he transformed. His limbs grew long and lanky, and his stride became awkward. A boy had become something in between boy and man—a “young man.” He navigates this new identity with uncertainty, hunched over as if he hasn’t fully realized the height he’s gained. He appears unsure of how to occupy his own space. The changes in his form are just the beginning.
There’s a newfound toughness in his personality; something raw has surfaced. He often displays negativity and judgment toward others, which I recognize as a means of separating himself and establishing his own identity. He challenges my views on emotions with a dismissive, “Emotions are dumb, Mom.” I take a deep breath and smile, knowing that this phase will pass. I don’t build walls; I offer acceptance and patience. “Who you are today is a beautiful, fleeting young man, and I embrace all of it with compassion.” My spiritual approach is not to fret or diagnose but to accept him as he is. He may reject my kisses but finds comfort snuggling next to me while we watch TV. He may erupt in anger yet deny the validity of his feelings. He is in a struggle for his identity, influenced by a culture that commodifies self-worth and enforces rigid gender roles. He embodies contradictions—soft yet tough, sweet yet sour, silly yet serious, hungry yet not hungry, compassionate yet cruel. He is a young man.
In his younger years, every day was an adventure filled with questions. What would be his next word? How would he explore the world today? How could I stay calm during his tantrums? Now, it’s a new adventure. What does he wish to discuss today? How is his appetite? What does he need from me? How is he feeling?
This stage of adolescence is precious to me. My spiritual practice as a parent is to be patient, nonreactive, and loving. I need to hold up a mirror to him with care and at the right times because he is swiftly passing through this phase of life; it’s temporary and continually shifting. I must not react too strongly to the version of him that exists today—impermanence is the essence of this young man. I strive to hold space for him, to see him clearly and accept him wholly. I only correct him when it is truly necessary. He is experimenting with who he is, testing what fits. He is vulnerable, sensitive to criticism, hungry, tired, scared, angry. He is okay.
I learn to ask specific, open-ended questions. “How was your science class? Who did you sit with during lunch?” I put my computer aside when he joins me in the living room, his limbs awkwardly hanging off the chair. I engage him in discussions about politics, social issues, and religions—his favorite topics. I challenge him occasionally while allowing him plenty of room to express his thoughts and try out new ideas on me.
I answer his inquiries in detail as he takes personality quizzes online, exploring potential career paths. Together, we dream about colleges, majors, and future occupations. “Mom, which career do you think suits me better, this one or that?” I respond thoughtfully, “I can envision you doing this, and that seems like a good fit too.” I want him to remain open-minded, to explore freely, and to find a path that encourages his growth rather than confining him to a single direction.
I’ve learned to serve him warm foods when he’s emotional, to hold his hand when he allows it, and to hug him close during our TV time. I’ve toned down my kisses, reserving them for the top of his head while respecting his new boundaries.
I recognize his needs and strive to stay calm when watching him play soccer, even if he tumbles and gets hurt. He embodies both the child he used to be and the almost-15-year-old he is becoming.
I catch glimpses of his character through the eyes of others who do not know him as his mother does. I sense their judgments of his awkward phase, his intense moods, and his strong opinions about the world. A moment of anxiety grips me, but I quickly return to my maternal instincts, remembering that he is okay and that it’s alright for others not to see what I see. I am his mother, and it is my spiritual practice to be aware of all that he is. I aim not to judge or defend him but to help others understand. “He’s exploring new ideas,” I might say. “He’s differentiating from me.” “He’s just really hungry.” “He’s adjusting to his growing body.”
I aspire to reach a state where my presence is enough to navigate the misunderstandings that arise without feeling the need to explain. I am continually evolving, feeling a deep urge to protect my young man’s heart from being misinterpreted or, worse, overlooked.
As my son approaches 15 and prepares to enter high school, I embrace my role as his mother. I love him unconditionally and cherish the opportunity to witness his soul’s journey in this world. I am his beacon of love, a safe harbor in any storm. This is my most vital responsibility—to be a source of light for him and his siblings. It is my deepest spiritual practice, and I am enlightened by his existence. My dear, sweet young man.
This article was originally published on May 30, 2021. For more insights into parenting, check out one of our other blog posts here.
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Summary:
Navigating the teenage years can be a challenging yet rewarding journey for parents. As boys transition into young men, they experience physical, emotional, and psychological changes that require understanding and patience from their caregivers. Embracing this phase with compassion, open dialogue, and acceptance fosters a supportive environment that allows for growth and exploration. It’s essential to recognize their complexity while giving them the space they need to develop their identities.