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When my kids were young, we often talked about bullying—how to recognize it and what to do if they encountered it. I outlined the various forms bullying can take: physical, emotional, and mental. During their early school years, my friends and I remained vigilant for any signs of bullying. By the time they reached high school, we believed we had equipped them with the necessary tools to handle such situations.
But what about us? Who prepared us for the adult versions of mean girls?
For most of my adult life, I’ve been fortunate to connect with amazing women—those who genuinely uplift others, support each other in tough times, and believe in a sisterhood of empowerment. However, everything shifted when I relocated from San Francisco to the suburbs of DC. I found myself in an atmosphere dominated by aging Alpha Females fiercely clinging to their youth. If anyone dared to step out of line, they would be met with cold stares, exclusion, and betrayal.
It was captivating in a twisted way. It felt like high school drama, but in more sophisticated and altered bodies. These women masked their predatory behavior with false kindness, quickly circling like sharks at the first sign of vulnerability or any perceived threat to their social standing. If a newcomer didn’t fit the mold—whether in appearance, housing, or family dynamics—they were often ignored or the subject of ridicule.
After years of witnessing this cruelty and its consequences, I had a deep understanding of how adult women can bully each other, leading me to write a novel based on my experiences. The feedback from readers fell into two categories: some insisted that adult women don’t act this way, while others admitted it struck too close to home. Among those who recognized the reality of adult bullying, five common forms emerged:
1. Exclusion
This can range from subtle acts, like tagging someone in social media photos from gatherings they weren’t invited to, to overtly planning events in front of them without extending an invitation. While no one is obligated to invite anyone, there is a distinct difference between kindness and cruelty.
2. Inclusion Upon Rules
Here, groups impose expectations on how to look or behave. Much like the “Mean Girls” wearing pink on Wednesdays, adult women can pressure each other into conforming to certain social norms. This often contributes to widespread issues like eating disorders and anxiety among women.
3. Mental
Picture walking into an event where you don’t know anyone—it’s intimidating, but someone usually makes small talk. Now imagine entering a gathering where you recognize several women, yet they completely ignore you. Instead, they might whisper and laugh, leaving you to wonder if you’re losing your mind.
4. Physical
Although less common among women than men, physical bullying can occur through actions like spilling drinks intentionally or shoving someone. The intent here is to intimidate.
5. Blatant Harassment
Think back to the characters in ’80s and ’90s films who were the targets of ridicule. Adult women do this too, gossiping, spreading rumors, and undermining others to elevate themselves.
Navigating bullying as an adult can leave us feeling lost. After all, we assume adult women should know better, right? Wrong. Bullying is ageless, and many women find themselves caught in a faux sisterhood where tearing each other down is the norm. Unfortunately, the strategies I crafted for my children don’t apply to adult bullies outside professional settings. There are no supervisors to report to, and consequences for exclusion or gossip seem nonexistent.
So, what can you do?
After speaking with numerous women who have faced bullying from their peers, I’ve learned that our most vital tool is self-care. Here are some strategies to protect yourself:
- Limit Social Media Exposure
Social media can be a double-edged sword. It keeps us connected but can also amplify feelings of inadequacy. If you’re constantly seeing events you weren’t invited to, consider taking a break or blocking those who hurt you. Cutting off toxic relationships can be liberating. - Speak to a Trusted Friend or Family Member
Most women have faced some form of bullying. Sharing your experiences can help you realize you’re not alone, and a supportive listener can help validate your feelings. - Consult a Therapist or Clergy
If you lack a close confidant, a professional can help you process your feelings and guide you toward a more peaceful mindset. They often provide valuable perspectives that can be lost when we’re consumed by emotional pain. - Practice Positive Affirmations
Bullying can severely impact self-worth. Try to identify three positive attributes about yourself and remind yourself of them daily. Allow yourself to believe in your worth. - Journal Your Thoughts
Rather than retaliating against a bully, write down your feelings. This can help release pent-up anger and provide clarity. Tearing up the pages can symbolize letting go of your frustrations. - Embrace Forgiveness
Forgiveness is challenging but crucial. It doesn’t excuse the bully’s behavior but enables you to move forward without carrying the weight of resentment. Understanding the reasons behind their actions can bring peace.
If you are experiencing bullying, remember that you don’t have to endure it in silence. Just like kids, we have tools to counteract bullying by focusing on our emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
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Summary:
This article discusses the unexpected prevalence of bullying among adult women, likening it to the behavior of mean girls in high school. It outlines various forms of bullying that women often inflict on one another, such as exclusion, mental harassment, and more. The author shares insights and coping strategies, emphasizing the importance of self-care and supportive relationships.