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by Alex Thompson
May 14, 2021
Where do I start? And where does my Autism end?
I received my diagnosis seven years ago, at the age of 32. It was my partner, Jamie, who first recognized that I might be Autistic. While watching a TV program about Autistic children, Jamie remarked, “That little boy is just like you.” She couldn’t have been more accurate.
A year later, I found the answer to so many of my questions. It was a moment of clarity that transformed my life.
Initially, I felt great about having Autism, and I was eager to share the news with everyone. Not because I was particularly proud, but because I believed it would help others understand the reasons behind my behaviors.
I became so fixated on making others feel guilty for their skepticism and the way they treated me that I lost sight of the real purpose behind my assessment. Instead of embracing a moment of self-discovery, I found myself flaunting my diagnosis. I wanted to prove that my annoying tendencies weren’t entirely my fault (which, ironically, made me even more annoying).
Once I had informed everyone who had ever made me feel inadequate about my “disability” (a term I didn’t fully grasp at the time), I began to reflect on what being Autistic meant for me personally. This realization led to a significant problem: I started to question my own identity. All my life, I believed I knew who I was. I was the confident guy, the angry guy, the sensitive guy, the dedicated worker, the father, the partner, the brother, and the son. But this diagnosis forced me to confront a confusing question—who really was I?
If so much of my behavior stemmed from my Autism, then was I Alex or was I Autism? This division between my identity and my neurodiversity (a term I was still unfamiliar with) weighed heavily on me. I became obsessed, constantly analyzing my actions, interactions, and thoughts.
For years, this internal conflict haunted me, resulting in some dark moments. I would oscillate between despising my Autism and accepting it. One day, I would wish for a pill to erase it; the next day, I would long for a pill to keep those traits forever. I felt torn apart because I had created a wedge between my Autism and my self.
In 2018, everything reached a breaking point. I made an error at work, and my Autism was apparently at fault. Although I disagreed, my boss insisted it was true. I accepted this viewpoint and vowed to leave my Autism at home when I was at work.
Of course, that was impossible. Attempting to force this complete separation led to a deep depression.
Then I picked up photography. I started with my phone, then progressed to a DSLR camera. I improved quickly, and for weeks, I pondered how this was possible. I reflected on other things I had mastered rapidly and came to a realization: my Autism and my identity as Alex were intertwined. My Autism enabled me to hyper-focus, learn intensely, and replicate what I observed. Coupled with my natural determination, this created a powerful combination for success.
So I decided that there was no Autism and no Alex—they were one and the same. I am uniquely me, shaped by both my Autistic traits and my individual experiences. I didn’t “have” Autism; I was Autistic. Embracing this truth liberated me, leading to rapid improvements in my mental well-being. Understanding my true self made all the difference, allowing me to pursue incredible opportunities I once thought impossible. Yet, I will always remember the pain I felt when I thought there was something wrong with me. My neurodiversity had never harmed anyone; it was my trauma, confusion, and frustration over my identity that caused distress for myself and others.
This is my journey—my personal experience. Others will have their own struggles and stories. I hope that by sharing mine, I can offer support to someone navigating their own path.
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Search Queries:
- What is Autism?
- Understanding Neurodiversity
- Living with Autism
- Autism Diagnosis Process
- Benefits of Being Autistic
Summary:
The journey of self-acceptance for individuals with Autism can be complex. This piece highlights the transformative experience of understanding one’s identity beyond the diagnosis, emphasizing the interconnectedness of personal traits and neurodiversity. By embracing both, individuals can unlock their potential and find greater peace within themselves.
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