As my wonderful husband walked through the door and took in the scene—me, the kids, and the house—his expression made it clear that we were living in a state of delightful chaos. With a mix of astonishment and concern, he asked, “Honey, wow. What on earth happened today?”
Oh, bless his heart. I appreciate his concern for the state of affairs, but let me tell you, I was just as curious. So, I decided to give him the rundown of my day—no detail spared.
“Honestly, I’m not sure what happened either. Maybe my sanity took a vacation while you were at work. I mean, I’ve been on this wild ride for over eight years, and today was just another trip on the crazy train.”
Where do I begin? Should I start from the beginning or dive right into the most chaotic moments? A chronological recap seems logical, but perhaps a reverse order would paint a better picture of today’s pandemonium.
It all started when I was in the middle of unclogging the toilet—thanks to our daughter’s creative use of 457 rolls of toilet paper. Just as I was getting my bearings, I heard a strangled noise coming from the playroom. No need to panic; it was just one of the kids’ balloons caught in the fan for the seventh time in 48 hours. I’ll need to grab a stool to untangle it later, hoping the kids don’t think it’s funny to turn the fan back on, like last time.
While preparing mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, our son decided to unleash a new bag of Goldfish crackers in the den. And when I say “unleash,” I mean it exploded all over the room. As I was attempting to sweep up the mess, the mac and cheese boiled over, and, oh joy, the baby was making a snack of my cellphone cord plugged into the wall. Thankfully, she was unharmed, but chewing on a live charger is hardly a safe pastime.
As I set the table for lunch, the kids decided that my neatly folded sheets and towels needed to be scattered across the floor—right where I had just spent hours picking lice out of the girls’ hair. So much for having only four loads of laundry left. Now I think we’re looking at seven or eight, considering I have to redo everything that had just been washed multiple times this week.
Speaking of lice, I spent the morning extracting about 50 nits from the girls’ hair. Hopefully, once the baby takes her nap—if she cooperates—I can use what is usually my “pee break” to pick out some more. But honestly, who needs to pee anyway? I can always sneak to the bathroom during dinner while they devour food like they haven’t eaten in ages, which I will need to clean up just minutes later.
On the topic of food, I’ve swept the floors roughly three times today. Although it doesn’t look or feel like it, I’m sure you’ll be horrified to see the remnants of the baby’s crushed Nutri-Grain bar and the Cheerios she decided to throw at me instead of eat.
I thought I’d take a moment to get dressed while the baby was busy tossing Cheerios, but after grabbing her from the high chair, I discovered that our little angel had decided to leak diarrhea all over me. Seriously, who needs hygiene? I’m starting to wonder if it’s even worth it to attempt to look decent until the kids are grown.
I managed to get our son to kindergarten camp with just 30 seconds to spare, and then I took the girls to the store for essentials that had been lingering on the list. Halfway through shopping, I suddenly realized one daughter was only in her underwear and the other was barefoot. Who needs clothes, right? Why do we even bother buying them shoes when they prefer to go without?
As my day continued in this whirlwind, my double vision turned into triple vision as my headache escalated. Today, no one napped, the dog escaped, and while I tried to take a blessed minute to untangle a balloon from the fan, the baby crawled out of her walker and decided to climb the stairs—only to tumble down them.
But don’t worry, I’m always in control. I soothed her little bump with ice just in time for two of the kids to sneak outside with shampoo to see how much they could squirt on each other. They’re so cute when they’re being mischievous, don’t you think?
Despite my culinary limitations, I bravely attempted to prepare dinner. Chicken was in the oven—one of your favorites—when something at the bottom started burning, filling the house with smoke and setting off the alarms. The kids started screaming, and our neighbor rushed over to check if we were being held hostage by our own dinner disaster.
When the neighbor arrived, I was in nothing but a bra and underwear. After all, if the kids don’t need clothes, why should I? Let’s just say our neighbor and I will never look at each other the same way again.
So, what did I do today? (Insert hearty laughter here). Oh honey, I dare you to ask me again!
For more amusing insights into parenting, check out this other blog post. And if you’re considering home insemination, make sure to visit this reputable retailer for at-home insemination kits. Additionally, for more information on infertility and pregnancy, this is an excellent resource.
In summary, a day in the life of a mom is a chaotic, messy, and often hilarious adventure where sanity is optional, and survival is the goal.
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