artificial insemination syringe
Parenting
The Struggle of Being Secretly Gay
by Anonymous
Updated: May 11, 2021
Originally Published: May 11, 2021
Photo by boyko/Getty
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
I’m present, I’m part of the LGBTQ+ community, yet I’m still grappling with it all. Just typing these words fills me with anxiety. My heart races, pounding in my chest. There’s a constriction around my chest—a vise-like grip. I struggle for breath as panic begins to creep in. Inhale deeply, exhale slowly. This anxiety doesn’t stem from shame about who I am—not entirely. I proudly identify as a gay woman, having embraced my sexuality last year during a pandemic characterized by curfews, lockdowns, and isolation. Yet, I still lead a closeted life, and the shame of that secrecy weighs heavily on me.
To clarify, a few close individuals are aware of my truth. My partner, sister, best friend, and sister-in-law are in the loop, along with my therapist and psychiatrist. Sharing my identity with them was crucial for my emotional well-being. They’ve supported me during the most challenging times, helping me navigate feelings of brokenness and self-doubt. However, outside this small circle, my truth remains concealed, and living in the shadows is incredibly isolating.
I often experience breakdowns and panic attacks, feeling anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin. At times, I find myself drinking more than I should—another glass of wine, an extra beer. I worry incessantly about how my secret will impact my family and loved ones. Can I maintain the family I’ve built if I’m honest about my sexuality? Will I be rejected by the people I hold dear? I grapple with outdated beliefs instilled in me during my Catholic upbringing, which emphasized traditional notions of love and marriage. While I still desire those things, I am uncertain how they will fit into my truth once I finally come out.
I know I’m not alone. Millions of individuals face similar struggles with their sexuality. Research indicates that approximately 83% of those who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientation hidden from the majority of people in their lives, according to a study from the Yale School of Public Health. An article in Psychiatric Times notes that many LGBTQ+ individuals experience difficulty in acknowledging their sexual orientation, often leading to a lifetime of concealment.
Living in the closet can have severe mental health repercussions. According to Out Smart, many individuals face chronic conditions such as depression or dissociative identity disorder. Psychiatrists have noted that those in the closet often compartmentalize their feelings, creating a divide between their sexual identity and their overall persona, leading to a double life marked by anxiety and self-denial. This internal conflict can breed sadness, self-loathing, and, for some, substance abuse. Tragically, thoughts of suicide can also arise.
I’ve experienced this darkness. It’s been a month since I last contemplated ending my life.
However, regardless of your circumstances, it’s important to know that you don’t have to accept this shame or live with these thoughts. There is hope through therapy and LGBTQ+ support networks. If you, or someone you love, is struggling with their identity or facing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You can find resources at GLAAD or reach out to The Trevor Project or the LGBT National Helpline.
This article was originally published on May 11, 2021.