It was 2 p.m. on a Saturday when Sarah walked in on me napping, even though I was supposed to be tackling the laundry pile.
“What in the world?” she exclaimed. “Why do you get to nap?”
“I’m not napping,” I replied, my face buried in the pillow. “I just… fell over and realized how cozy the bed is.”
My attempt at humor fell flat.
“I want a nap,” she insisted.
“Then take one,” I mumbled, somewhat muffled by the pillow.
“We don’t have time for that,” she fired back, emphasizing the “we.”
“Lucas has a soccer game in 20 minutes. After that, we need to pick up soil for the garden before the nursery closes.”
With a frustrated stomp, she left the room, and guilt washed over me. Sarah and I have three kids under 9, and getting them all to sleep for more than five hours is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. It happens occasionally, but rarely.
One child will be thirsty at 10 p.m., while another has a nightmare by midnight. Then there’s Mia, our one-year-old, who is the worst nighttime companion. She fusses late into the night and wakes up at least once, and lately, she’s decided that early mornings are the best time to start the day.
I find myself consuming an unhealthy amount of caffeine.
But our days are packed. I work full time, while Sarah is a full-time mom and a part-time student. Our house is constantly demanding attention, and something always seems to be breaking or getting messy. The older kids are involved in sports and other activities that fill our weekends. It’s exciting but exhausting, leaving little room for naps.
This hectic lifestyle has turned sleep into a coveted commodity, leading to tension and jealousy. It feels like a black market item that can be bartered for everything from chores to intimacy. If you ask Sarah what she wants for her birthday, she’ll say sleep, and I’m right there with her.
We could throw all our responsibilities aside and simply sleep, but that’s not an option. Parenting is relentless. Kids always have needs, requests, and messes to make, leaving little room to just sleep. Plus, our oldest is old enough to be somewhat responsible, yet I wouldn’t trust him with his younger siblings, especially not the one-year-old.
Naps can really only happen when one parent keeps an eye on the kids while the other sleeps. This creates a feeling of resentment for the parent who is awake, as they might feel insulted knowing the other is snoozing in comfort.
Unless, of course, there’s a trade involved.
Just the weekend before Sarah found me napping, I had been pulling weeds in the yard. She came over, described her long night with Mia, and suggested, “If you let me take a nap, we can have some time together later.”
We bartered a bit. I asked whether our time together would happen before or after her nap, and we settled on after the kids were in bed. We shook hands, and I felt okay about her napping then. In previous instances where I’d offered to clean or do chores for a nap, I’m sure she felt similarly. But it had come to the point that unless one of us was sick, naps were only granted through negotiations.
So, when Sarah found me resting without any prior arrangement, she was understandably upset. If the roles had been reversed, I would have felt the same way.
“What do you want?” I asked as I entered the kitchen where she was finishing the dishes.
“You know what I want,” she said, pushing up her glasses. “I want a nap. I want some sleep.”
“It’s been a long week,” I countered. “I had two 14-hour shifts.”
“Let’s not forget,” she replied, “when you work those long hours, I’m working too. I don’t get a break until you’re home.”
Her perspective hit home. Parenting can feel overwhelming. I love my kids dearly, but there are moments when it feels like too much. With Sarah being a stay-at-home mom, her work doesn’t stop when I clock out. Without family nearby, we often have to negotiate breaks.
“I understand,” I said. “Let’s figure something out.”
And just like that, we were back to negotiating. We decided that Sarah could nap while I took the kids to the soccer game, and later, I could nap while she took them to the store. None of it was ideal; taking three kids to a soccer game is a challenge, and I assumed Sarah felt the same dread about going to the store. But the promise of a nap made it worthwhile.
By the end, we shook hands, and she said with a smile, “It’s been nice doing business with you.”
“Likewise,” I replied.
Navigating marriage and parenthood is no small feat, and sometimes it feels like sleep is the ultimate currency. For more insights on parenting and marriage, check out this blog post on sleep’s role in family life. If you’re considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom is a reputable source for insemination kits. Additionally, March of Dimes offers excellent resources for those thinking about fertility treatments.
In summary, sleep is a vital yet often neglected component of marriage, especially in the whirlwind of parenting. The art of negotiating for rest can sometimes lead to unexpected moments of connection and understanding between partners.
Leave a Reply