On my birthday, I indulged in my favorite latte from Starbucks. However, as I entered my home and attempted to set it down in order to receive the handmade cards from my kids, I completely missed the counter. The cup shattered, coffee spilling all over the kitchen floor before I even had a chance to take a sip. In that moment, I felt a wave of frustration and disappointment wash over me, but I recognized that responding with anger or blame would only escalate the situation. Instead, I made a conscious choice to maintain my composure—a skill that has taken years of practice to develop.
My feelings were certainly valid, but rather than reacting negatively, I took a deep breath and expressed my sadness about the mishap, promising myself that I would head out for another latte once the mess was cleaned up. I refused to let a spilled drink ruin my special day. My kids rushed to help clean up the mess, visibly upset on my behalf, and even my ex-partner commended my level-headedness. I felt a sense of pride in my response.
While many might have reacted similarly, I didn’t grow up in an environment that modeled healthy emotional regulation. I’ve had my share of messy moments in the past, often exacerbated by my outbursts and sharp words aimed at those around me. This is partly due to my personality and partly a result of the environment I was raised in.
In my family, big emotions were often met with yelling, throwing things, or storming out. Instead of helping each other cope, we tended to escalate the situation or ignore the emotions entirely. That’s not how feelings—or fires—work.
I acknowledge that I’m far from perfect in demonstrating emotional regulation, but I’m determined to improve with every situation. As a parent of three young children who constantly test my limits, I sometimes find myself yelling or making unreasonable threats. While I would never actually destroy their tablets, in moments of frustration, I might say something ill-advised just to elicit a reaction. My anxiety can easily seep into my interactions with them, making me feel like I’m becoming the kind of person I don’t want to be. I want to break the cycle so my kids don’t repeat the patterns I experienced.
Instead of snapping, I’ve started to verbalize my feelings and outline how I plan to cope: “I’m really frustrated right now. I need to step away for a bit.” or “I’m feeling anxious, so I’m going to go for a short walk to clear my head.” Sometimes these affirmations are said through gritted teeth, but I’m committed to demonstrating better self-regulation than I witnessed growing up. My kids don’t always appreciate these boundaries, but I prioritize their emotional safety over immediate happiness. I’m willing to revisit our interactions later to discuss better ways to handle difficult situations.
As toddlers, my kids would often reach a boiling point of frustration, and witnessing their tantrums stirred uncomfortable feelings in me. However, I knew it was essential to let them experience their emotions in a safe way: “I see you’re frustrated. It’s okay to take a break.” or “I understand you’re upset, but hitting your sister is not acceptable. You can hit a pillow instead.”
I’m not perfect; I sometimes stumble and react poorly due to my own rising emotions. Yet, I strive for self-awareness and intentionality in my actions, always aiming to show my children how to manage their feelings. When I slip up, I acknowledge my mistakes and explain what I could have done differently. My goal is to equip my kids with the tools they need for emotional growth and to foster healthy relationships.
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Summary:
Self-regulation doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially if they were raised in environments lacking healthy emotional responses. As a parent, acknowledging feelings and modeling better behavior is essential for fostering emotional growth in children. By verbalizing frustrations and implementing coping mechanisms, parents can break negative cycles, enabling their children to learn valuable emotional management skills.