I found myself sitting in a dentist’s office with my two boys, aged 9 and 7. My older son, Liam, has always been particularly sensitive to medical settings. When he was just 5, he spent a week in the hospital due to an undiagnosed illness. It was a harrowing experience filled with constant pokes, IVs, and blood tests every few hours. While he didn’t come away with physical scars, the emotional ones lingered.
To this day, Liam feels anxious about any medical appointments, even for routine check-ups that I assure him won’t involve needles. During our recent dental visit, his nervousness was palpable, especially when it came time for the x-rays. At one point, the dental hygienist asked, “Is he on any medication for anxiety?” I was taken aback and honestly answered, “No,” explaining his history and the source of his apprehension.
Beyond medical situations, I noticed that Liam exhibited signs of anxiety in everyday life. He often fidgeted, had nervous outbursts, and displayed tics. For a time, I questioned, “What is wrong with my son?” But after that dental visit, I began to shift my perspective and asked instead, “What is wrong with us? With society? Why did I assume the problem lay with my child?”
As parents, my partner and I have always aimed to raise our children to be compassionate and aware of the world around them. Liam’s anxiety was a reflection of our success—he was empathetic and conscious of the issues facing our society. If I treated his feelings as a flaw, I would only amplify his anxiety and lead him to internalize a sense of “wrongness.”
Within a short span of ten months, Liam faced multiple traumatic events: wildfires that led to evacuations from both his school and home, the loss of wildlife and property in our community due to these fires, a school lockdown following a shooting at a nearby school, and the painful experience of a close friend suddenly ignoring him. He also began to grasp the alarming realities of climate change. In the face of such overwhelming challenges, it would have been more concerning if he didn’t feel anxious.
Then came the COVID-19 pandemic, which added another layer of stress. Liam’s understanding of the Black Lives Matter movement and the ongoing violence against Black individuals deepened, especially as a child of a Black father. His anxiety manifested physically as he started pulling out his hair.
This time, however, I did not find myself asking, “What is wrong with my child?” I realized there was nothing wrong. He was simply processing a world that was difficult to understand.
By recognizing that Liam was perfectly normal and discussing this perspective with friends who shared similar concerns about their children, I found a sense of freedom and reduced my own anxieties. We shifted our focus to cultivating a supportive environment where we could engage in meaningful conversations about social issues.
We dedicated time to discuss the state of the world, seeking out stories of hope and joy, particularly regarding Black America. “Where is the joy?” Liam once asked. In response, we found an inspiring course on Black Innovators and arranged imaginative exercises with his Aunt, who introduces him to mindfulness practices. We also prioritized outdoor activities—walking, jogging, climbing trees, and participating in community clean-ups.
We empower him to take action against the issues he finds troubling, as feelings of powerlessness can greatly fuel anxiety. He even created a video game, pledging to donate 25% of the profits to Black Lives Matter and another 25% to COVID relief efforts. Currently, he is researching homelessness in our community and developing a project based on his findings.
Liam’s hair is growing back, he shows fewer signs of anxiety, and he finds joy in laughter again. The world remains full of challenges, but I’ve come to understand that my child is not among them. His empathy and awareness are the very qualities that make him kind and good. My son is all right.
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Summary:
This article discusses the challenges of raising an anxious tween, focusing on the author’s son, Liam. It highlights the importance of understanding and empathy in parenting, particularly in response to societal events that may contribute to a child’s anxiety. By fostering open discussions and encouraging proactive engagement with the world, parents can help their children cope with anxiety and develop resilience.