Recently, I tuned into a podcast that discussed how to help teenagers transition back into a more “normal” life. My children are at different stages; two have chosen to return to in-person schooling, while one prefers to continue with virtual learning. The shifts in their behavior since the pandemic began have been significant, and as their parent, I find myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions.
My daughter has always been a bit reserved, but as she’s grown older, her social anxiety has escalated. The isolation brought on by recent events seemed to suit her initially, but now she faces heightened anxiety when interacting with others. Meanwhile, my other kids are thrilled about going back to school, but they also harbor their own jitters.
A psychologist featured in the podcast emphasized that it’s crucial not to dismiss your children’s feelings with phrases like, “Everything will be fine, don’t worry.” Such comments can feel invalidating, making them think their emotions are trivial and leaving them feeling unsupported.
Growing up, I witnessed my mother and grandparents adopting this mindset. Discussions of any negative issues, especially those involving family members, were off-limits. They preferred to maintain a facade of perfection, ignoring serious matters like addiction or mental health struggles. When I approached my mom with my concerns, her typical response was, “It will be fine,” leaving me feeling unseen and unheard.
Fast forward to adulthood, I often find myself in a similar predicament with my partner, Jack. He is a naturally upbeat person, which has its perks, but I’ve noticed that his relentless positivity sometimes comes off as dismissive. This has led to tension in our relationship. I’ve had to explain to him that telling his child to just “tough it out” when she’s feeling upset is an example of toxic positivity.
Jack is beginning to understand that such responses can be damaging and may cause others to feel that their emotions don’t matter. His challenging upbringing, where he often had to fend for himself, has led him to adopt a survivalist mentality, perpetually focusing on the positive. While this mindset helped him excel academically, it has also manifested in unhealthy behaviors like compulsive gambling and binge drinking. I suspect these coping mechanisms stem from his effort to repress negative emotions, which eventually find a way to surface.
This highlights the essential distinction between genuine positivity and toxic positivity — they are not the same. Everyone has their own struggles and it’s perfectly acceptable to take time to feel sadness. Authentic positivity can be uplifting, as in the case where someone reflects on overcoming hardship and achieving personal growth; this is resilience, not toxic positivity.
Dr. Ava Smith explains, “Toxic positivity refers to insincere positivity that can cause harm or misunderstanding.” If someone is going through a tough time and you simply tell them to “walk it off” or suggest they meditate to feel better, it can come across as thoughtless, even if that wasn’t your intention. Such dismissive attitudes can belittle their experiences and lead to feelings of invalidation.
To foster a supportive environment, especially for our children, we need to actively listen and validate their feelings. Constantly promoting a “positive vibes only” mantra teaches individuals to suppress their fears and emotions, which can be detrimental. It’s crucial to acknowledge that experiencing a range of emotions is part of being human.
We shouldn’t feel pressured to maintain a façade of happiness during challenging times. What lesson does this impart to our children? We need to demonstrate that it’s okay to experience a spectrum of emotions, that we don’t always have to be composed, and that vulnerability is not a weakness but a part of life. When they witness us expressing our feelings authentically, it creates a safe space for them to do the same.
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- Understanding Toxic Positivity
- Healthy Emotional Expression
- Navigating Teen Emotions
- Resilience and Mental Health
- The Impact of Dismissive Responses
In summary, recognizing the difference between positive and toxic positivity is essential for fostering emotional well-being. By validating feelings rather than dismissing them, we can create a more supportive environment for ourselves and those around us. Embracing a full spectrum of emotions is not only healthy but also crucial for personal growth.