In light of ongoing discussions surrounding the so-called “irreversible effects” of puberty blockers and hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I find it crucial to share my own experiences as a transgender woman who lacked access to affirming care during childhood.
I recognized my identity as a girl at the tender age of 4. However, societal stigma, fear, and ignorance about gender identity kept me hidden for 33 long years. Had I encountered positive representations of trans women back then, I am certain I would have had the courage to come out sooner. During my childhood, I often dreamed of waking up as a girl, and had I known about the medical options available to me, I would have seized them without hesitation.
Growing up in Indiana during the 1990s, I was bombarded with negative stereotypes about trans women—portrayed as men in disguise who only found validation through harmful behaviors. This pervasive misinformation led me to remain in the closet and endure the torment of masculine puberty—a harrowing experience that nearly cost me my life. I was hospitalized twice due to suicide attempts and prescribed a plethora of ineffective medications.
The physical changes I underwent during puberty were devastating and are what I think of when I hear the term “irreversible damage.” My voice dropped, my body became more muscular, and I developed facial hair that felt like an unwelcome invasion. Now that I am finally receiving the treatment I need, this image depicts the aftermath of a single session of electrolysis to remove my facial hair. This is my sixth session, and each one has been increasingly painful and costly. To date, I have spent $25,000 on these treatments, and I consider every dollar well spent.
If I had been able to access puberty blockers and HRT at the right age, I could have avoided this pain and financial burden. The changes from masculine puberty have left me with a prominent browline, a masculine jaw, and a sloping forehead, all of which make me stand out in public and expose me to judgment and hostility. The anxiety stemming from these experiences, compounded by living in the closet, has taken a toll on my mental health, leading to complex PTSD. I now face the prospect of undergoing invasive surgery costing tens of thousands of dollars to rectify these features, which I will also view as worth the expense.
I have dedicated a year to vocal therapy to adjust my voice, but I may still require surgical intervention to achieve a level of comfort in expressing myself.
My heart aches for the transgender youth currently in environments where their identities are dismissed by parents and guardians unwilling to support puberty blockers and HRT at the appropriate age. I can only imagine how deeply these children will resent the lack of affirmation they experienced, and it pains me to think of the long-term consequences of such repression. If I had discovered that my parents had known about my true identity and chose to suppress it instead of supporting me, I would never forgive them.
With the implementation of cruel laws in various states, thousands of trans kids will grow up knowing that their true selves were deemed illegal. I assure you, they will carry that resentment for a lifetime.
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In summary, the lack of access to puberty blockers and HRT during my formative years has resulted in significant pain and expense that could have been avoided. It’s vital for parents and guardians to understand the long-lasting impact of their decisions on transgender youth. Support and affirmation are crucial for their well-being and mental health.