A few years ago, I was collaborating with a male coworker—someone generally regarded as a “good guy”—who had difficulty accepting feedback during a brainstorming session. His response was dismissive and rude. I ended up apologizing. He did not. On another occasion, when I corrected inaccuracies from a different male colleague, his reaction was hostile and publicly humiliating. Again, I apologized. He did not.
We can debate whether or not my apologies were warranted, but that’s beside the point. The real issue lies in the fact that my male colleagues did not apologize at all.
There’s no shortage of advice aimed at women in the workplace, much of which is misguided. At the forefront is the incessant directive telling us to stop apologizing.
“Women are often advised to adjust their language to sound less apologetic and more assertive,” remarked experts in a recent Harvard Business Review article. The list of things to avoid is extensive: Don’t say “just.” Don’t ask for permission. Don’t doubt yourself. And most importantly, DON’T apologize.
This trend has been gaining traction over the years. Initially, I thought there was some merit to it. Why should I apologize for missing an email? Or for conflicting with a meeting? Did I really need to say “I’m sorry” when a colleague failed to grasp the context due to not reading previous messages? The answer is no. But the advice—almost exclusively directed at women—felt off. What harm is there in a few polite, albeit unnecessary, apologies? Are those hollow, socially-expected “sorries” truly hindering my professional growth? Not likely.
When a popular figure published “Girl, Stop Apologizing,” it became clear to me that this movement wasn’t about empowering women; it was more about suppressing us.
While those “I’m sorry”s might be extraneous, they can also foster a more pleasant and respectful environment for everyone. Perhaps we should not only continue using them but also encourage more men to apologize.
“The world would be a much better place, and workplaces significantly happier, if instead of telling women to apologize less, we encouraged men to apologize a lot more,” the experts noted in Harvard Business Review. “The reality is, we should focus less on modifying women and more on addressing the inadequacies of certain men.”
Absolutely.
Even unnecessary apologies can be beneficial. They can diffuse tense situations, reduce defensiveness, and express humility. Dr. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown, stated in the New York Times that apologizing is a natural component of communication.
“Requesting people to stop apologizing is akin to asking them to refrain from saying hello or goodbye. Such automatic courtesies are essential for coexisting,” Dr. Tannen explained. She further emphasized that the real question is not whether women over-apologize but whether men under-apologize.
The issues organizations face, like corruption and bullying, often stem from our failure to hold powerful men accountable, yet we’re continuously focused on policing women’s words.
When the #stopapologizing movement gained momentum, I found myself scrutinizing my own behavior. I edited out those unnecessary “I’m sorry, but…” phrases from my emails and resisted apologizing for misunderstandings when I wasn’t at fault. What was the result? Nothing beneficial. I didn’t appear more assertive or confident to my colleagues. Men didn’t start owning their mistakes. I didn’t get promoted or earn additional respect. I merely felt worse about myself, drained from constantly second-guessing my own language.
Let me clarify: I’m not criticizing women who are assertive or those who avoid unnecessary apologies. Not at all. What I’m saying is that women who apologize frequently are not the problem. The real issue lies with men who fail to apologize enough.
There’s a pervasive trend to silence women while labeling it “empowerment.” To that, I say enough. Real empowerment is about allowing women to be themselves—respected even when they apologize or defer to others. It’s about eliminating the need for women to second-guess their words and actions.
Let’s do away with this toxic advice. As suggested in Harvard Business Review, “A better piece of advice for women? Speak freely and express yourself in any way you choose.”
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In summary, rather than pressuring women to apologize less, we should encourage men to apologize more. This shift in focus could lead to healthier workplace dynamics and a more respectful culture overall.