In the past, I would paint a room each time an IVF cycle ended in disappointment. Perhaps it was a way to introduce some vibrancy into our sterile, white walls, or maybe I needed a distraction for my restless hands and racing mind. It could have been my attempt to grasp some semblance of control during a time filled with profound sorrow and loss. Whatever the reason, I transformed five different rooms into shades that echoed my heartbreak—colorful reminders of the most challenging years of my life. Now, those once-pristine walls are speckled with yogurt stains and tiny fingerprints.
Our five-year IVF journey concluded in November 2017 when we welcomed our daughter. Life is now a vibrant whirlwind for which I am endlessly grateful. Yet, I will always remember the gut-wrenching pain that preceded her arrival.
Today, my days are long and exhausting in the most beautiful way. They are filled with laughter, chaos, and adventure, along with snuggles and storytelling. However, I still recall those earlier days that felt so empty. Endless possibilities surrounded me, but all I could think about was the family my heart yearned for.
Now, I find myself utterly drained—wondering how it can only be 4:00 PM after a day filled with cleaning up countless messes, preventing toddler tantrums, and changing endless diapers. But I’ll never forget the sheer exhaustion of simply existing—waking up each day with a broken heart, unsure if it would ever heal.
My once-spacious home has become a lively mess of toys, books, and art supplies. Yet, I can’t forget the emptiness of those earlier years. The empty rooms I longed to fill with laughter and life made my heart ache each time I passed them. Now, those same rooms are alive with the sound of little footsteps and cheerful giggles, holding everything I cherish.
I am now overflowing with happiness and joy, greeted each morning by a tiny voice eager to start the day. I experience fulfillment as I tie little shoelaces on eager feet ready for adventure. But I will never forget the time when joy felt elusive; when getting out of bed was a monumental struggle, and I often found refuge in the shower to cry in secret.
I will always remember the heartbreak of our journey to start a family—the years filled with hope and doubt, the endless doctor’s visits, and the financial strain. The pain was deep and pervasive, making me question how much longer I could endure. But today, my heart is full of life, laughter, and love. I am immensely grateful for my two beautiful children, both miracles in their own right. Finally, I am the person I always longed to be.
Today, I am Mom.
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In summary, the emotional journey through infertility has profoundly shaped my life, leading me to appreciate the beautiful chaos of motherhood. The experiences of loss and longing have made the arrival of my children all the more precious, transforming my once empty home into a lively sanctuary filled with love.