September 1, 2023
Every now and then, I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror and feel a wave of unfamiliarity wash over me. For many years, I grappled with self-loathing—not just the reflection staring back at me, but the entire person I was.
Achieving a sense of self-love and acceptance has been a long, arduous journey filled with uncomfortable truths. The roots of my self-hatred were planted early in my life, growing and distorting not only how I viewed myself but also how I believed others saw me. I didn’t even need to glance in a mirror to realize I was in pain; in fact, I often avoided my own reflection altogether.
There was a dark period when I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror. Entering a bathroom, I would deliberately avert my gaze from the glass because confronting my own reflection became unbearable. A deep-seated shame and self-disgust consumed me, making it impossible to acknowledge the person I was supposed to be.
I was trapped inside a body I despised, with a mind riddled with falsehoods about my worth. I believed I was unworthy, too much to handle, and not enough to be cherished. I felt like a failure, a disappointment to those around me. The lies I told myself spiraled into a cycle of self-destruction and isolation.
In my pursuit of validation from others, I was unknowingly participating in my own demise. I presented a façade of strength while internally, I was experiencing a slow and painful unraveling. I formed connections with those who confirmed my negative beliefs, further entrenching me in destructive patterns.
It wasn’t until I embraced motherhood that I began to see a glimmer of hope. The birth of my children marked a rebirth for me as well. I started to recognize the damaging narrative I had accepted for so long. It was through my babies and the challenges of my previous relationship that I rediscovered my worth and purpose.
Since separating from my partner a year and a half ago, I have been on a journey of self-rebuilding. Not every day feels victorious, but I now find myself in a space of acceptance and self-love. I feel strong and empowered, living with intention and purpose. I have shed the chains of my past, and for the first time, I feel truly free.
Most days, the reflection I see is one I can admire. It’s not about ignoring my flaws or pretending that every day is perfect; it’s about embracing the authentic me—the person lost beneath layers of lies and self-doubt. I still have my off days, struggling with insecurities and fears. However, these feelings no longer engulf me.
When I catch my reflection, I now see strength, resilience, and worthiness. I see a woman who has fought hard to reclaim her identity, and that realization is liberating. The lies that once imprisoned me can no longer hold me back.
This journey has been akin to stepping out into the sun after a prolonged winter, or diving into refreshing waters after overheating. Each painful experience has led me to a more profound level of self-love, belief, and respect for myself. The image in the mirror now aligns perfectly with the value I recognize within.
If you’re interested in learning more about this transformative journey, check out this blog post that delves deeper into personal growth and healing. And for those considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom offers reputable syringe kits to support your journey. Additionally, Healthline is an excellent resource for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, the reflection I now see represents the freedom I’ve fought hard to achieve—self-acceptance, love, and an unwavering belief in my worth.
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