On a beautiful autumn afternoon, my spouse was a victim of a road rage shooting. By some miracle, he survived, as did our four children, who were thankfully unharmed. The entire experience was terrifying and surreal—a scene that seems to happen to others but never to you. I certainly never expected it, and it wasn’t until this tragedy occurred that I understood just how unprepared I was.
In the days that followed the incident, I found myself navigating insurance claims, police reports, and media inquiries. My spouse was released from the hospital the very same day and soon left for a business trip. Despite being shaken and injured, he seemed mentally strong, believing in the legal system and that the assailants would face justice. Meanwhile, I was left in a state of panic, grappling with the reality that I was clueless about managing our household without him.
We had been married for 13 years and had four children when this happened. Throughout our life together, I had taken a backseat when it came to our finances. I signed documents when necessary but never inquired about details like our mortgage lender or payment amounts. He handled all of that. I was blissfully unaware of the IRAs, investment accounts, credit cards, and educational funds we had. The realization of my ignorance regarding our financial matters was just as frightening as the shooting itself.
At night, I lay awake, thinking, “What would I have done if something truly catastrophic happened?” My spouse could have died that day; he had bullet wounds. The thought of being left alone with four children and no clue how to navigate life was terrifying. He managed the finances, owned everything, and I didn’t even have his email password. As a self-employed individual, there was no HR department to reach out to for a final paycheck or insurance claims. What would happen to his businesses? Did I have any ownership? Would I sell them? What were they worth? The weight of these questions was overwhelming.
He had mentioned life insurance, but how much coverage did we actually have? Would it pay off the mortgage? What was our mortgage balance? Could I afford tuition? What were our family’s insurance costs? I felt utterly lost and ashamed of my ignorance. How had I let myself become so uninformed?
My spouse isn’t a traditionalist who believes that women should only be homemakers. He simply took charge of the finances while I focused on other responsibilities. If I were to pass away, he would likely struggle with the kids’ school schedules and medical appointments. However, those are far easier to manage than trying to figure out taxes without any documentation. Everything was stored digitally, on his Mac, and I had no access. That was frightening.
We knew we had to change our mindset. I wanted to understand our financial situation instead of relying on autopilot monthly payments. Up to that point, he would give me money when I asked, and we didn’t monitor a shared checking account. We had joint accounts, but even when I was employed, we kept our finances separate. While I appreciated that arrangement, I realized I needed to be more involved in understanding our expenses.
I take responsibility for my ignorance as well. The bills were paid, and the lights stayed on, so I assumed everything was alright. Ignorance can be bliss, but it also leads to a lack of preparedness. Neither of us had each other’s passwords, although I didn’t have much to manage aside from the occasional bill. He should have had access to everything, though.
We are still working to put things in order. I now know our mortgage details and car payment schedule. He has access to our cable provider’s website, and I’ve compiled a list of our children’s doctors and their medications. However, we still lack a will, advance medical directives, and designated guardians for our kids in the event of our deaths. I don’t want a formal wake or funeral, especially not those tear-jerking hymns, but that’s not documented anywhere. We have much to do.
No one should find themselves in a state of panic when faced with adversity. Couples should be transparent about their finances. Both partners should know each other’s passwords and accounts so that, should an unforeseen event occur, the surviving partner can manage without being left in the dark. He would never want me to struggle if he were gone; he’d want me to be able to care for our children comfortably. We thought we had time to figure it out, but it took a horrifying event to push us to take action.
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Summary:
This article recounts the author’s shocking experience when her spouse was shot during a road rage incident, leading her to confront her ignorance about their household finances. It highlights the importance of financial transparency between partners, the need for preparation in case of emergencies, and the realization that both parties should be involved in managing family finances.
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My Spouse Faced a Life-Threatening Incident, Family Finances, Financial Transparency, Emergency Preparedness, Life Insurance, Household Management