Reflections on a Year of Nursing During COVID-19

I’m leaving my nursing position after a year of caring for COVID patients, and the experience has left me profoundly affected. I’ve spent a decade in nursing, providing comfort, care, and support during some of the most vulnerable moments in people’s lives. I’ve witnessed both the miracle of life and the pain of loss, all while grappling with my own trauma as a survivor of abuse.

My Journey in Nursing

For five years, I worked as a home health nurse, tending to terminally ill patients in their homes. While I appreciated the connection I formed with my patients, I longed for the dynamic environment of critical care. That desire led me to take an on-call position at a local hospital. But when the pandemic struck, everything changed.

The Impact of COVID-19

I work in a small rural hospital in Western Colorado, a place known more for its outdoor activities and conservative values than for its healthcare resources. When COVID-19 hit, I made the decision to leave my home health job and dedicate myself fully to the hospital. However, the lack of personal protective equipment (PPE) turned each shift into a perilous game of chance. I received a poorly fitting N95 mask, and I was constantly anxious about bringing the virus home to my children. My decontamination routine became a ritual, stripping off my scrubs in the garage and sanitizing everything I touched.

The isolation of my neighbors and their ability to stay safe filled me with envy. Meanwhile, the hospital culture pressured us to come to work even when sick, and the lack of support from management was palpable. As I navigated exposure and quarantine without paid sick leave, I felt the weight of responsibility to provide for my family while also taking care of my health.

The Reality of Patient Care

Back at the hospital, the reality of my patient assignments was overwhelming. I found myself responsible for numerous COVID-positive patients with limited resources and support. Each day was a blur of exhaustion, with my own well-being taking a backseat to the demands of the job. The emotional toll was profound; I witnessed patients suffering alone, and the feelings of guilt and inadequacy began to haunt me.

Despite moments of camaraderie with my colleagues, I felt increasingly detached and emotionally drained. The chaos of the hospital was punctuated by the stark realities of the pandemic, from patients who denied their condition to those who faced unimaginable fear and loneliness. There were days where I felt proud but more often, I was numb, pushing through the physical and emotional demands of the job.

Questioning My Career

As I grappled with my feelings of love and hate for my profession, I began to question my own sanity for choosing to stay in such a hazardous environment. The pressure for hazard pay was met with fleeting bonuses, and with each exposure, my fears grew. I found myself longing for safety and stability, not just for myself but for my family.

When a string on my N95 mask broke, I sought help but found myself without the necessary supplies. The situation escalated to the point where I filed an OSHA complaint, a decision fraught with risk. I realized that I was not just a hero; I was a victim of a broken system.

A New Beginning

Two weeks later, I was called into a meeting and informed I was being let go for minor infractions. While it felt like a low point, I recognized it as an opportunity for a new beginning. I received offers for travel nursing positions, but I turned them down, knowing I needed to prioritize my well-being. The undervaluation of nurses in our society became painfully clear, and I understood that to change the healthcare system, we must first address the treatment of those within it.

The Need for Change

Navigating the challenges of nursing during a pandemic has been traumatic, and the culture within healthcare has only exacerbated the toll on workers. If we truly want to reform the healthcare system, we must start by taking care of ourselves.

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Conclusion

In summary, my experience as a nurse during the COVID-19 pandemic has led to profound trauma, forcing me to reassess my career and well-being. The systemic issues within healthcare must be addressed to support not only patients but also the dedicated professionals who care for them.