In discussions about children and the pandemic, the term “lost year” frequently surfaces. People express concerns about children lagging academically, missing key milestones, and facing social isolation. Each time I hear this phrase, I feel a pang of discomfort.
It’s true that this year has been exceptionally tough. Many of us have faced genuine losses—whether in terms of health, finances, or even loved ones. However, when parents mention a “lost year,” they’re often focusing on academic setbacks or social experiences rather than these deeper, more significant losses. I urge parents to pause and reconsider how they frame their experiences over the past year.
When the pandemic began, one of my greatest worries—alongside keeping my family healthy—was the impact of social distancing on my middle schoolers, who were either in or about to enter a pivotal stage of their lives. Judith Warner, author of “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School,” highlights that early adolescence is a critical developmental phase, characterized by rapid brain changes.
Prior to the pandemic, my children were thriving socially and academically, building friendships and navigating their growing independence. But remote learning and isolation disrupted those essential interactions. They missed the camaraderie of working together in school, sharing jokes during lunch, or engaging in friendly sports competitions. Yes, they could connect through FaceTime or gaming, but these interactions lacked the spontaneity and independence of in-person communication.
Phyllis Fagell, a therapist and school counselor, emphasizes that middle school years are crucial for developing independence from parents and discovering social hierarchies. Unfortunately, the pandemic hindered this important process. Parents have understandably worried about how to support their children during this time, fearing they might miss crucial developmental milestones.
Yet, while it’s natural to share these concerns, we must be cautious not to voice them in front of our children. Research indicates that many kids perceive their parents’ anxieties about academic performance as disappointment in them. This can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression in teens, which is something we certainly want to avoid.
Instead, we need to focus on the adaptability and resilience that many children have shown during this challenging time. Laurence Steinberg, a psychology professor, notes that while middle schoolers are vulnerable, they are also incredibly adaptable. Although the past year has presented significant challenges, most kids will be alright.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that for some teens, the stress has been overwhelming. Increased reports of anxiety and depression among youth highlight the importance of being vigilant and proactive. If your child is struggling, reach out to their school or consider professional support.
To help our middle schoolers navigate the aftermath of this year, we should stop emphasizing what they’ve lost. Acknowledge their feelings while encouraging them to reflect on what they may have gained: extra family time, new hobbies, or relaxed rules.
Additionally, we can loosen our grip on screen time. Social connections through digital platforms have helped many kids cope with isolation. As a public school science teacher mentioned, this isn’t a typical year, and we should adapt our expectations accordingly.
Let’s also recognize and celebrate our kids’ achievements, no matter how small. They’ve adapted to virtual learning and adjusted to a new normal, demonstrating resilience that deserves acknowledgment. We should tell them how impressed we are with their ability to navigate these challenges.
Lastly, we must maintain faith in their resilience. While this year has been undeniably tough, it will pass. The evidence suggests that, for the most part, our kids will come through this experience stronger than before.
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