Understanding Tone Policing and Its Negative Impact

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People often react more to how I express my thoughts than to the actual content of my message. The emotions, intentions, and passion behind my words can sometimes overshadow the ideas I’m trying to communicate. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and an advocate, my identity can influence how others perceive my words, often leading to misunderstandings.

When someone feels uncomfortable with what I’m saying, they may focus on the tone rather than the message itself, labeling it as unprofessional, angry, or inappropriate. This behavior, known as tone policing, is a tactic used to sidestep accountability and discourage meaningful dialogue. Unfortunately, it predominantly affects marginalized communities and women, especially Black women, in various environments.

For instance, during a recent workshop for teachers on creating inclusive classrooms for transgender and gender nonconforming children, I was advised by the principal not to use profanity. This request stemmed from concerns that some teachers might become offended and disengaged if my language didn’t align with their comfort levels. Instead of focusing on critical issues—such as the alarming rates of distress among transgender youth—some attendees fixated on my choice of words, allowing tone policing to silence the real conversation.

Examples of Tone Policing

Tone policing manifests in various phrases, such as:

  • “Calm down; I don’t like that tone.”
  • “You can’t talk to me that way.”
  • “I wish you weren’t so angry.”
  • “There’s no reason to be so upset about this.”
  • “Can’t you say that in a nicer way?”

Typically, tone policing comes from individuals in positions of privilege who may feel threatened by discussions that challenge their perspectives on race, gender, and other issues. For example, when a Black woman passionately discusses the discrimination she faces, calls to change her tone often stem from underlying racism and sexism. Instead of confronting the injustices she highlights, the focus shifts to her delivery, allowing those in power to evade responsibility.

It’s essential to recognize that emotions are valid in conversations about significant issues. People can express anger and frustration without resorting to personal attacks. Those who engage in tone policing often dictate when and how emotions are permitted, which stifles authentic dialogue. Telling someone to “calm down” in response to their genuine concerns is dismissive, while minimizing their experiences can be a form of gaslighting.

All individuals, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, deserve to have their feelings acknowledged without having to reframe their emotions for the comfort of others. The reality is that one does not need to have experienced someone else’s struggles to empathize or believe them.

Reflecting on Your Reactions

If you find yourself reacting negatively to someone’s passionate expression, it’s vital to reflect on your feelings. Are you avoiding the core issue by focusing on tone? Are you prioritizing your comfort over the discomfort that comes with discussing difficult topics?

It’s crucial to engage with passion and empathy when addressing issues that affect people’s lives and rights. Rather than asking people to soften their messages, we should listen, validate their experiences, and seek ways to amplify their voices.

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In summary, tone policing is a detrimental practice that diverts attention from essential conversations and invalidates the experiences of marginalized groups. Recognizing the emotional weight behind discussions about identity and injustice is crucial for fostering understanding and promoting change.

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