Lately, I’ve been feeling incredibly fortunate, grateful for each day I get to spend with my loved ones. The weight of the COVID-19 pandemic has been heavy, and I can’t deny that fear gripped me as the news worsened. The staggering death tolls and ominous forecasts were terrifying. I remember telling my husband during an early press conference that I feared I would lose many people I knew to this illness.
Tragically, that has been the reality for countless families. However, I am relieved to say that most of my close friends and family have stayed safe. For those who did contract the virus, thankfully, their cases did not escalate to the point of requiring hospitalization.
About a month ago, I learned of a professional acquaintance who was hospitalized with COVID-19 and his condition was deteriorating rapidly. I didn’t know him well, but his decline weighed heavily on my heart. While waiting for our son’s first ice skating lesson, I received the heartbreaking news of his passing through a Facebook post. It struck me deeply, especially considering how it would affect his young grandchildren.
That evening, as we prepared for bed, my husband casually asked, “Do you smell that?” I couldn’t detect any scent, which prompted me to open various shampoo and lotion bottles in a frantic attempt to find a smell. Realizing I had lost my sense of smell, I decided to get tested for COVID-19 first thing in the morning. Though I didn’t feel sick otherwise, my anxiety began to bubble up. The thought of preparing for what could be a rapid decline in my health was disconcerting.
My mind wandered to my own mother, who passed away from cancer when I was younger. I regretted not having deeper conversations with her about life and death, leaving me without a firsthand understanding of what it feels like to face mortality. Fortunately, my COVID-19 test came back positive but I was only mildly affected, allowing me to work from home while quarantining with my family.
Not long after, I saw a post from an old college friend who had been hospitalized with COVID-19. Initially, he seemed to be managing, but soon his updates turned grim as he expressed his fear of dying. The next day, a family member took over his social media and delivered the tragic news of his passing. It was a stark reminder of life’s fragility, especially since we were both in our late 40s and had both contracted the same illness. I felt a strange sense of relief that I was still here, but it also made me ponder how I would use this extra time.
Just a few days later, I received a voicemail from a colleague of my therapist, which instantly filled me with dread. I learned that my therapist had unexpectedly passed away. This news was shocking; I had shared so much with him over the years, yet I knew so little about his personal life. As a fellow therapist, I understood the professional boundaries he maintained, but I felt the loss of our connection profoundly. His absence would be felt not just by me but also by his colleagues at the psychoanalytic institute where he taught.
These experiences have only amplified my fears surrounding loss. As a wife and mother to a young child, the thought of them receiving devastating news about my passing fills me with anxiety. I often find myself overwhelmed by thoughts of losing my loved ones, especially after experiencing postpartum anxiety following my son’s birth.
There are no straightforward answers to the haunting “What if?” scenarios that plague my mind. The fear of loss has only intensified since becoming a parent, as the responsibility of nurturing a child weighs heavily on me. It’s essential to prepare for the inevitable, both through practical arrangements and by having those uncomfortable conversations about death and loss.
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In summary, the COVID-19 pandemic has been a profound journey filled with fear and loss, yet it has also deepened my appreciation for life and the time spent with family. As I reflect on those who have been lost, I recognize the importance of cherishing every moment and having the difficult conversations that can help us prepare for the future.