Trigger warning: child loss
It’s best to avoid asking a woman when she plans to have another child. Or any child, for that matter. And definitely don’t suggest a timeline for it. There’s no right moment for such a discussion.
Recently, I was talking to a woman, and like many conversations among moms, ours shifted to the topic of our children. We realized our toddlers were of similar ages, and she shared her annoyance at the constant inquiries about when she would have another baby. I sympathized with a sigh and my usual response of “ugh,” as that question is all too familiar.
“I’m not sure if I want another,” she admitted. “I’m already so exhausted. They say I shouldn’t wait too long, or my kids will be too far apart—but I’m okay with a gap. I just know I’m not ready for another right now. And then there’s the thought of whether I can even HAVE another.”
I was fortunate that the conversation was interrupted, as I had so much more to say.
I didn’t share my own experiences with such probing comments. I didn’t mention that, unlike her, I wished for my children to be closer in age. I didn’t share the heartache of loss that has shaped my journey and left me questioning if I could have another child. I didn’t reveal that I was asked when I would have another baby at a baby shower that had already been overwhelming due to the emotions surrounding my first loss just months earlier. I didn’t mention how I was told I was running out of time to have another child on the due date of my stillborn baby. The struggle to brush off that remark with a forced smile while wanting to escape was immense. I also didn’t share my current feelings of wanting another child, knowing that the circumstances to make that happen are no longer in my control.
But it turns out that many people still need to hear these stories. Perhaps it comes from a good place or is merely casual small talk, but these questions can create discomfort, frustration, and even genuine pain.
Instead, I reassured her that it’s perfectly fine if she chooses to have just one child. I shared how my kids are five years apart and how that age difference has brought its own blessings. I encouraged her that whatever decision she makes will be the right one, emphasizing that sometimes we don’t have control over how our family dynamics unfold.
She will know when the time is right, whether she opts for one child or considers expanding her family. The opinions of others should not dictate her choices or reflect her worth as a mother or woman. Whether she has one child, none, or several, she is a valuable mother and woman.
Discussions about fertility and family size are deeply personal and should be approached with sensitivity. They can provoke feelings of doubt and inadequacy, making women feel judged as if they’re not meeting someone else’s expectations of motherhood.
So, please, keep those questions to yourself. The journey of motherhood is often more complex than it appears.
If you’re interested in more on these topics, check out our other blog posts, including one about mermaid photography. For more information on fertility, visit Make A Mom, a trusted resource. You can also find helpful guidance on female infertility that may be beneficial.
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Summary:
In conversations about motherhood, it’s crucial to avoid asking women about their plans for more children, as such inquiries can cause discomfort and even pain. Instead, offer support, understanding that every woman’s journey is unique and personal.